Hope Does Not Disappoint

For those of you are Christians...  do you feel "saved" most days, or do you go through seasons where you just believe but don't really "feel" anything?  I've been stuck in a terribly dry season for a while now.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Jesus, but emotionally, I've been leaning towards empty.  I've been journeying through a spiritual desert while I have seen God working all around me.  It's an odd place to be.  It makes me think about the Israelites as God led them to the Promised Land.  They walked through the most desolate of places but all the while experienced miracles like never before.  I'm there.

I know I have shared about this before, but when I was pregnant with Pax, I really felt anything but pregnant.  I just felt miserable most of the time and sometimes scared.  The frequent gallbladder attacks were maddening to my Type A personality, because I couldn't be productive most days.  I could only endure.  I often fought against guilt, because we had wanted this baby so badly.  When I couldn't take living in the moment anymore, I would live for the delivery day.  I imagined what it would be like to hold a healthy baby boy.  That hope is what kept me going.  In the end, that hope didn't disappoint.  Having Pax with us now has been the greatest joy.  I can't thank God enough for this precious gift.  My heart is so full.

Transition to today.  I'm not feeling too spiritual.  My quiet times are completely random as I adjust to life with two sweet kids on not enough sleep.  I've been out of church more than in church in the past few months for reasons I couldn't control.  All of that adds up and contributes to this season.  I am just not on a spiritual mountaintop.  It's more like a valley.  I'm guessing I am not alone.  I think it is safe to assume that some of you feel this way now or have been here before.

What keeps me going?  Hope.  Hope in what is to come.  Right now, in the trenches of life, heaven seems so far away.  A place where we will become all we are supposed to be as believers.  A place where sin's sting will be no more.  No more suffering.  No more crying.  No more death.  A place where Jesus will fill our hearts with a joy that will never end, and we will find rest in His arms.  It seems far away, but it's not.

When life becomes too much or when the Enemy accuses you and condemns you again and again, focus on heaven brothers and sisters.  Imagine the joy we will have when we see Jesus face to face.  Drink it in.  Taste it.  Let it wash over you.  As believers, we have no reason to be ashamed or discouraged- we have been rescued. With the joy set before us, let's endure our cross and finish this race well.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, l

ooking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Our Delivery Story

Pax minutes after birth

This past Easter Sunday was Pax's official due date.  Having him here almost two and a half weeks early has been wonderful.  Even though this is almost 2 and a half weeks later,  I wanted to share our delivery story with you.  God's hand is all over it.  Seriously.

A week before I delivered Pax, I began to have prodromal labor. I went from no dilatation to 4 cm in a day or so but then stopped.  Even though I wasn't dilating any more, I was continuing to have contractions day and night with only a few hour breaks in between.  All of the while I was having gallbladder attacks at the same time, and I was miserable.  After a week of trying to get my labor to progress naturally, I became discouraged and gave up.  My ob scheduled for me to be induced the following week, and I went home in tears.  I wasn't sure how much more I could take, but I wanted Pax to be delivered at a safe time for him.  I was trying to wait as long as possible to be induced.  I really wanted to go into labor on my own.

That night we had community group at our house, and when we went to bed,  I was woken up at 3 a.m. with a gallbladder attack.  I tried every trick I knew to deal with the pain without any success. By 6 a.m., I was vomiting uncontrollably, and I couldn't keep any of my medicines down.  By 6:30 a.m., I had a good cry about how I couldn't do this any longer, and at 7:30 a.m., we had loaded Abby up in the car and were on our way to the ER for me to get pain meds and fluids IV.

When I arrived at the hospital, my ob was already there about to do a c-section, so he came by to check on me when he finished.  Because my gallbladder attack had pushed me far over my pain threshold, I was shocked when he told me that I had dilated more and was almost a 6.  I was hurting so badly that I had no idea my labor had been progressing.  At that point, I was given pain meds and fluids IV to help me rest so I would be ready for the labor ahead.  By 12:30 p.m., I was in the labor and delivery room and was started on pitocin to get things moving faster.  Amazingly, the pain meds had stopped the gallbladder attack, and because so many people were praying for us, I recovered from it faster than I have recovered from any.  I went from being slightly delusional from pain to being mentally ready to finish labor and have our son.

Introducing Pax to Abby

Because I wanted labor to be as short as possible, I labored without any more pain meds or the epidural until I felt myself going through the transition period.  A little before 3 p.m. I told the nurse I was ready for the epidural, and the anesthesiologist came up and started it exactly when I really needed it.  When he finished, I told the nurse I wanted to take a short nap, because I knew I was at the end.  I slept for about 30 minutes then was woken up and knew it was time to push.  I called my nurse, and she was shocked to feel Pax's head crowning already.  She quickly set up for the delivery and called my ob who was already in the parking lot coming in for another c-section.  Within minutes of his arrival into the room, I delivered Pax at 3:57.  He had perfect a Apgar score and weighed exactly 7 lbs.  Nothing about his delivery seemed early. None of the pain meds I had been on affected his vital signs.  God was gracious.

God had safely brought our son into the world when I physically and emotionally could handle no more.  For such a rough start to the day, I had the best delivery experience I could have hoped for.  Months earlier, I had worried that I wouldn't have the strength to deliver Pax without a c-section, and that day, I delivered him with minimal assistance as I had hoped.  My experience at Ocean Springs Hospital was ideal.  I had a great nurse that day, and my doctor was there when I really needed him to be.  Most of all, God's peace was with me the whole time, and I knew that He was with us as we delivered Pax.

My first photo to pose with Pax all showered and prettied up 24 hrs post delivery.

Having our son with us now is such a blessing.  My heart couldn't be fuller with the precious family God has given me.  I couldn't be more thankful to be holding a healthy baby boy now.

Reflecting on the Past 9 Months

In case you've missed the Pax photo storm on facebook, our little man is here!  He came into our world two weeks early thanks to a nasty gallbladder attack, but we couldn't be happier to have him safe in our arms now.  I can't wait to share his delivery story with you (guys, I know you could probably care less), but I will save that for another day.

I'm feeling rather sentimental as I collage all of my pregnancy photos together with this last snapshot I took tonight with Pax in my arms.  You see, bringing Pax into this world is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Sure, I'm smiling in all of the photos, but the photos are deceptive.  What you don't see are all of the days of vomiting my insides out, the many trips to the ER, the hours I've been hooked up to an IV pump for pain meds, and all of the days and nights I have spent crying because the pain just wouldn't go away.   Trust me, I know that women have endured tougher pregnancies at greater costs, but for me, I assure you that I felt more like I had a deadly cancer than a living, breathing, little person inside of me.  As my due date drew closer and closer, I worried about what kind of mom I could be to this baby I was carrying.  I didn't feel particularly bonded to him- I just felt miserable and sick.  It felt so different from my pregnancy with Abby.

The moment after I delivered Pax, my doctor placed him on my chest, and I looked at him in disbelief.  It didn't seem real.  I was almost in shock that I really had been pregnant... not just sick.  I held his tiny hands in mine, and I studied his little face as he cried with the cold air hitting his wrinkled little frame.  As the nurse took him away to clean him up, it hit me.  God had given us a son.  I cried with relief, because I had made it.  I had carried him to full term, and by God's grace, he was here and well.  Healthier than I had dared to hope for.  He was perfect.  Pax was mine.

Not even a week later, I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face.  It makes me smile to think that I was worried about bonding with him.  I'm completely enamored with this little guy.  He has my heart.  We have been through so much together, and yet, our journey is just beginning. Many of you have labored with me in prayer along this road, and I will forever be grateful.  As I look at his tiny little face sleeping soundly against my chest, I have no regrets. His name Pax, Latin for peace, couldn't be more prophetic now.

I can't help but keep thinking about what Jesus told His disciples when He was trying to prepare them for the suffering they would endure but the joy that would follow. "When a woman is in labor she has pain because her time has come. But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has been born into the world. (Jn.16:21)"  It's true.  I'd relive the past 9 months in a heartbeat to have this little guy here with me now.

So tonight, it is with great joy that I introduce to you my son Pax Bryan Cirlot.  God is good.

Changing Expectations...

Since the beginning of this pregnancy with our sweet son, it's been about adjusting expectations.  Once again, our plan has changed a little.  Here's the deal.

For almost a week, I have been stuck in prodromal labor.  Basically, it's labor that helped me dilate and efface to a certain point that has just stalled and is accomplishing little more than making me miserable and tired now.  Unlike Braxton Hicks, these contractions are the real deal and come about every 5 minutes when they are cranked up, but my body stopped responding to them last Wednesday night.  Apparently, when I was having a massive gallbladder attack in the ER, I was also beginning to go into early labor.  When I received my pain meds to control the gallbladder attack, it likely stalled the labor as well.  I've been stuck in this early labor cycle ever since.

Unless my water breaks or something changes again, Pax is going to need a little help to make his entrance into the world.  It looks like he is following in his sister's footsteps.  Abby did exactly the same thing!

Even though I wanted to go into labor naturally on my own, it may not happen.  Since I'm halfway through week 37 right now, we are going to wait another week to let my body kick into gear.  If it doesn't, I will be induced Thursday morning, and Pax will get to join our family under my doctor's supervision.  I think Bryan is relieved that either way Pax isn't going to be crashing Church@The Square's Easter service. :)

We appreciate the prayers we have received so much to make it to this point!  God has been so good to us so far, and I can't wait to introduce our son to you.  Keep praying for us!  We are almost to the finish line.

Chasing Rabbits

I've been thinking.  Chasing rabbits.  I need to write to make sense of all that has been spinning in my mind.

A year ago, Bryan and I went to an Acts29 bootcamp to explore planting a church in our town.  We were exiting a difficult ministry situation and feeling called to start something new.  During those few days, God clearly confirmed His plan for us to start what would become Church@The Square.  It was an amazing time of worship, Bible study, encouragement, and preparation for what would be ahead for us.  One of the speakers told us that Satan might not know where our neighbors lived but if we started a church, he would know where we lived.  Spiritual warfare wasn't a spooky ghost story.  It was a reality we would live in if we moved into enemy territory and became a threat.  As a pastor and a church planter, he wasn't trying to use scare tactics, but he did want to remind all of us that the price of obedience was high and that it would cost all of us something.  In the New Testament, Jesus said the same thing.

The seasons of life that have been ushered in with following our call as a church planting family have been completely unlike anything we have ever experienced.  The ways God has provided for our family's needs have been nothing short of supernatural and amazing at times.  Money for bills and needs has appeared in the strangest of places, and seeing God touch lives is beautiful.  I wouldn't trade what we have seen for an easier journey.  I love what God is doing through Church@The Square.

The cost has been high.  Since the blog I wrote at the beginning of December about our family leaping into church planting full-time, we have been tested incredibly.  It's almost like situation after situation has arisen to challenge us and say, "Are you really serious about this church planting thing?  What if it costs you _____?  Will you really stick with it then?"  By God's grace, we have been able to say, "Yes!"

I don't think it is coincidental that my health has taken a nose dive since December.  Even the doctors don't really know what is going on exactly, and since I am pregnant, their ability to run tests has been limited.  A couple of weeks ago when I was hooked up to an IV pump in the hospital, that same voice asked me again.  "Is it really worth it? What if you don't get better?  Does God even care? If He is Sovereign, You know He could heal you.  Can You really love and trust a God who plays with your health... with your child's health?"  Shutting the voice out, I responded, "Yes!"

You see, I don't understand why God has not healed me completely.  I wish He would.  But, God was gracious and has given me some unexpected really good days since I have been released from the hospital.  I know He could heal me, but He hasn't.  Maybe it's so I can write this blog.  I have no clue.  There are times when God acts in ways that are completely beyond our understanding, and we are asked to trust Him.  When I don't get life, I have to preach to myself and remind my heart what I do know is true.  God is good.  God loves me.  God is for me and not against me.  His ways are greater than my ways.  Just like an ant can't fathom the brainpower of a nuclear scientist, I cannot always understand the mind of God.  I can trust His heart.  He is a good Father, and I am His child.

Today, I woke up with one of the worst gallbladder attacks I have had so far.  The Lortab and the other medications I took didn't touch it.  I was discouraged. I cried in the obgyn office.  I hate crying in public.  A lot.  I am so close to delivering a healthy baby.  I don't want to go back to the hospital to get hooked up to an IV again.  I don't want to let Abby see her mommy cry anymore because she can't handle the pain.  I definitely don't want any more medical bills coming into our mailbox.  However, if God somehow gets glory in my suffering, I have to submit to Him.  Life was never promised to be easy, and even if I have to deal with pain more than I would like, God has been incredibly good to me and my family.  God has faithfully protected Pax and kept him safe throughout this whole pregnancy.  I am finally able to eat meals again and gain healthy pregnancy weight to be able to deliver safely with strength.  Easter Sunday is our due date.  Not too much longer until our sweet boy will be here!

Healed or not, God is kind and loving.  I will find rest in Jesus.  On the other side of eternity, I will look back and know that the cost was worth it.  As Jim Elliot said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."  Even if planting a church costs me my health, I'd agree with Bryan to do it again.  The Enemy may not play fair, but Jesus is worth everything.  In the end, Jesus wins.

"1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Less is More

28 weeks pregnant... I survived the second trimester.  Just one more to go!

I haven't blogged about the launch of Church@The Square yet, because quite honestly, I haven't felt much like writing or doing anything else lately.  The birth of the new church is so exciting and there is so much to tell.  However, having a sick gallbladder takes a lot out of me, and I've been carefully rationing out my spurts of energy to take care of Bryan, Abby, and our home.  


Lately, I have really been struggling with the constant physical down days where I can't accomplish much more than being pregnant.  I mean, technically, even at rest, I'm doing a lot- I'm nurturing our son and giving him a chance to develop well before he meets the outside world.  If you know me, I am so task and goal oriented that I don't like to slow down... I have to right now.


Today is one of those days where I woke up sluggish and the funk hasn't went away.  I sat in my recliner this morning and was praying.  I was thinking about how frustrating it is not to be able to pull as much of the weight with the church plant or with our business as I would like to do right now and was feeling pretty helpless.  That's when this verse came to mind.


Matthew 5:3 (The MSG) "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule."


I'm definitely there.  I don't have anything more of me to give right now.  I have a willing heart but an unwilling body.  God knows.  God cares.  If He has chosen not to heal me right now, it's so I can learn a greater lesson.  Maybe, I need to be reminded right now in this huge life transition that it doesn't take more of me to accomplish something great.  It takes less of me and more of Him.


I can't run around wide open as I'm used to doing pulling all of the little details together, but I can be still and pray and watch God work everything out in His way.  I don't think I will ever like being sick.  It stinks.  I need to remember that God is accomplishing His purpose in me, through me, and around me- not because I have so much to offer- but because He does.  God is good like that.  He shocks the world by using the weakest, most useless vessels to show how amazing and capable He is.


"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong." 1 Corinthians 1:27 (ESV)

If you are feeling pretty useless or helpless today, thank Him.  You might be exactly where you need to be to finally be useful in His Kingdom.


It's not about us... it is about Jesus.


"In Him we live and move and have our being..." Acts 17:28 (NIV)


"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 (ESV)

13 Weeks!

Image borrowed from http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-images-13-weeks.

We've made it to the 2nd trimester today!  Hello 13 weeks!  Since we have miscarried twice before now, it's refreshing to get to this point. 

Baby is doing well.  He/She wasn't in a good position for gender prediction this past Monday, but we should find out the sex on October 24th at our next appointment.  After talking to Dr. Sams, my ob, he agreed that I should continue on the gluten/dairy free diet, since it relieves most of my really bad symptoms.  At this point, it is important that we get the vomiting under control, so I can gain a healthy amount of calories pregnant.

Obviously, if I eat normal for three days and puke 60 plus times then eat gluten free/dairy free and don't vomit once, something is up.  It looks like the gluten/dairy sensitivities are confirmed.  At least I have a plan of action now, even if it means I have to eat in a crazy way.  We are just praying that everything returns to normal once Baby is born.

Some interesting things we have found out since I have been on this gluten/dairy free diet.

-The severe reflux I was having was caused by the food sensitivies. What I still have now is related to a hiatal hernia and can be controlled by Prevacid and elevating my bed at night.
-The constant nausea I was having all day long is gone now that my tummy is healing.  I only have morning sickness at night now.  Much better!
-I was apparently very bloated from swelling from the food sensitivies.  I have lost 5 lbs in water weight this week and my waist has gone down a couple of inches.  I hardly even look pregnant now which is weird since I am farther along.
-I am very sensitive to gluten.  I accidently used a couple of tablespoons of mayo that had gluten in it in a batch of deviled eggs I made, and I was sick late into the night from eating them.  I have to be diligent and a little OCD reading labels now.
-The odd stroke-like episode I had a month ago could have been caused by the gluten sensitivity.  It apparently can happen if you ignore the symptoms and continue eating like normal (which I did in ignorance).
-If ignored, gluten sensitivity can cause miscarriages, because it throws off your body so badly.  

Praise God for direction and that Baby has been safe while we have been figuring all of this out.  I am so thankful that our obgyn doesn't think I am crazy and agrees that staying on the diet is working and is the way to go.  He actually has experience with other patients doing similar things during their pregnancies. 

Yay!  We have answers.  Thanks for your prayers.

Doctor's Reports

Here's the scoop from the doctors' visits yesterday.

Neurologist:

It looks like the stroke-like symptoms may have just been related to a weird migraine.  It's hard to say for sure without more tests, but while I am pregnant, we would all rather play it safe and avoid any head scans unless they become absolutely necessary.

Diagnosis: Migraines

Plan of Treatment: Don't get stressed (SERIOUSLY).  He said the only thing I can do is to cut out stress and make sure I don't get stressed at all.  If I have any more funny symptoms, we'll have to proceed with more tests.  Let's pray that it stops here.

Allergist:

She seemed to think it was unlikely that I have developed gluten/dairy intolerance during pregnancy.  She seems to think that the reason I feel better on that diet is because it is low fat.  I'm not sure, so I am going to food journal a little longer and try out some ideas.  It would be awesome if I could eat normal and not have any problems again!

Diagnosis: Severe Reflux.  She thinks all of my other symptoms are attributed to the fact that I have crazy reflux.

Plan of Treatment: Elevate the head of our bed on cinderblocks until baby comes.  Eat low fat and avoid any foods that seem to make me feel worse.  Get on Prevacid since Tums don't help.  Since Prevacid is in the "gray category" with safety during pregnancy, please pray that our baby stays safe during this medication regime and that it knocks out the reflux so we don't have to try anything stronger.

Thank you for all who are praying for us.  We appreciate it so much!

Updates for Our Prayer Warriors

First and foremost, thank you for all of the prayers.  We have so many people praying for us, and we appreciate it more than words can say.

Here are a few health updates for those who have been praying for me:

• I haven't had any more crazy stroke-like episodes so far.  We are cutting back life stressors as much as we can to slow down a little.
• I'm seeing Dr. Evans September 19th to try to follow-up with a neurology clinic and see where we go from here.  That was the soonest I could be worked in with a referral.
• My test for Factor V Leiden came back negative.  That means we don't have any answers for why I have miscarried in the past, but we at least know I don't have this blood disorder.
• I'm super nauseated and sick with reflux every day, but I have found out that there is a possible connection between dairy and something else (still trying to figure it out) that makes me have worse nights.  Let's just say I have tried every reflux trick out there and nothing is completely correcting it.  It's hard to think about spending the next 7 months hugging the toilet, but I don't regret it for Abby.  I'm sure I won't regret it with this baby either.
• I'm scheduled to see Abby's allergy doctor September 19 as well to see if maybe I have pregnancy induced lactose and gluten intolerance.  I read a few articles about it and the symptoms do seem to match mine.  Who knows???  Until then, I'm trying to be careful with my diet and eat as blandly as possible in small spread out meals.

As for the church plant, here are a few updates:

• We are now receiving financial support from Mosaic Church in Ocean Springs and Ridglea Heights in Escatawpa (as well as those who are part of the church plant).  That has enabled our family to start receiving some financial support from Church @ The Square.  Perfect timing!  It's not quite a full salary yet, but it has been a big stress relief for us to be able to cut back in our "tent-making skills" to focus more on the church.
• Because of my health scare a couple of weeks ago and a few other factors, Bryan decided to slow down with his school schedule this semester to spend more time investing in Church @ The Square and being home right now.  It means he won't graduate in December, but he will still graduate soon.
• Church@ The Square was able to move into the BSU building last month, and that has been a HUGE blessing.  We had outgrown our home, and it is great having more space.  Now, we are making some changes we need order to prepare for more families in the future.

Ways you can pray for us right now:

• God would continue to keep me and our baby safe during this pregnancy.
• God would continue to provide for our family financially through Church@The Square, so we can focus on our ministry here in Gautier more.
• This terrible nausea and reflux would pass quickly.
• God would send leaders to help Church@The Square reach out in Gautier more effectively.
• God would prepare the hearts of the unchurched people here in Gautier to receive Jesus and become part of our church body.
• Bryan would have wisdom and creativity in leading Church@The Square well.

I'm sure there are other ways that I am missing.  Here are some ideas for those of you who like lists. Thank you for partnering with us to reach the unchurched in Gautier and along the Mississippi Gulf Coast.  Jesus is worth our sacrifices.

Our Big Answered Prayer

I went in today to be tested for Factor V Leiden, a blood disorder that runs through both sides of our families, and we found out why I have been so tired this summer.  I am 8 weeks pregnant!  I've been having pregnancy symptoms for most of the summer, but we weren't 100% sure until we saw the ultrasound today.

We were able to see a healthy heartbeat and a cute little peanut.  We are very excited and ask for everyone to pray for the health of our little one.  Our due date is currently Easter 2012.

Our obgyn is obviously concerned about the episode I had this past Friday, so he is helping me get into the neurology clinic in Ocean Springs sooner.  Thanks to some help from Mosaic, we have a name of a recommended neurologist to visit. 

Keep us all in your prayers and celebrate with us.  God is good!

Resting

Yesterday when I blogged, I didn't expect to have so many people care and to have so many people agree to join us in prayer. While I am usually on the serving end in the body of Christ, it is a humbling thing to be part of the receiving end this time. We appreciate all of the prayers so much and really feel them. Last time I miscarried, I remember praying frantically and being distraught. This time, I am obviously upset but I am at peace while we wait. I am still bleeding today but it has slowed down quite a bit. I am confident that God hears our prayers and will answer them according to His perfect plan.

Right now, with having so many people join us in prayer, I do want to be clear as we pray. If we miscarry, it does not invalidate God's ability to answer prayer. God is able to protect our child and keep him healthy if that is His will. Bryan and I also know that our will isn't always best. It may be God's perfect plan that this child join his brother/sister in heaven that we lost three years ago. Either way, we trust God to know what is best for us and for this child. Whether we birth a child on earth next June or birth one in heaven this week, God is still very good and very loving, and He cares about us more than we can know.

In the end, our hope and joy has to be in Christ. Nothing else can satisfy.

Revelation 21:1-7 "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” 5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be His God and He will be my son. (emphasis mine)"

Here We Are Again

Yesterday was one of those days. It started out with church and a sweet birthday dinner at one of our church member's homes. What should have been a happy time turned out to be quite stressful. I woke up that morning and was already spotting. For any pregnant woman who has ever spotted, you really wonder why they chose such a deceiving word for what the experience is actually like. As the day matured, the bleeding began to get heavier until I became weak and dizzy. Sadly, we had to excuse ourselves from my birthday meal early in order to go to the ER via doctor's orders.

Bryan's mom came and picked up Abby while I was tested in every way possible to try to determine if we were miscarrying or not. The end test results were inconclusive, so I was sent home and told to rest. According to the ER doctor, the bleeding seems to indicate a likely miscarriage but the acceptable HCG level did not confirm it. I am at home waiting now to hear what my obgyn wants to do.

I am at a place of waiting that I prayed I would never be at again. No one welcomes suffering, but I am reminded here again how sweet the presence of Jesus really is when His children hurt. We are experiencing a peace that passes all understanding as we wait on the LORD to accomplish His will in our lives and in the life of this child. I trust Him. This time, I know confidently that He can heal me and save our child from a miscarriage. This time, I also know that if we do miscarry, He will carry me through the grief and use this pain for His glory. Either way, in life or death, God is good. We will rest in Jesus.

Please join us in prayer that God will use this child as an example of His miraculous power to do the impossible that even modern medicine cannot do. We are praying for a healthy baby and for the bleeding to stop. If touching Jesus' robe caused a woman's blood flow to stop in the Gospels, we know that God is able to do the same so that we do not miscarry. Thank you for praying with us and for waiting with us to see God work.