Monday, March 26, 2012

Reflecting on the Past 9 Months


In case you've missed the Pax photo storm on facebook, our little man is here!  He came into our world two weeks early thanks to a nasty gallbladder attack, but we couldn't be happier to have him safe in our arms now.  I can't wait to share his delivery story with you (guys, I know you could probably care less), but I will save that for another day.

I'm feeling rather sentimental as I collage all of my pregnancy photos together with this last snapshot I took tonight with Pax in my arms.  You see, bringing Pax into this world is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Sure, I'm smiling in all of the photos, but the photos are deceptive.  What you don't see are all of the days of vomiting my insides out, the many trips to the ER, the hours I've been hooked up to an IV pump for pain meds, and all of the days and nights I have spent crying because the pain just wouldn't go away.   Trust me, I know that women have endured tougher pregnancies at greater costs, but for me, I assure you that I felt more like I had a deadly cancer than a living, breathing, little person inside of me.  As my due date drew closer and closer, I worried about what kind of mom I could be to this baby I was carrying.  I didn't feel particularly bonded to him- I just felt miserable and sick.  It felt so different from my pregnancy with Abby.

The moment after I delivered Pax, my doctor placed him on my chest, and I looked at him in disbelief.  It didn't seem real.  I was almost in shock that I really had been pregnant... not just sick.  I held his tiny hands in mine, and I studied his little face as he cried with the cold air hitting his wrinkled little frame.  As the nurse took him away to clean him up, it hit me.  God had given us a son.  I cried with relief, because I had made it.  I had carried him to full term, and by God's grace, he was here and well.  Healthier than I had dared to hope for.  He was perfect.  Pax was mine.

Not even a week later, I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face.  It makes me smile to think that I was worried about bonding with him.  I'm completely enamored with this little guy.  He has my heart.  We have been through so much together, and yet, our journey is just beginning. Many of you have labored with me in prayer along this road, and I will forever be grateful.  As I look at his tiny little face sleeping soundly against my chest, I have no regrets. His name Pax, Latin for peace, couldn't be more prophetic now.

I can't help but keep thinking about what Jesus told His disciples when He was trying to prepare them for the suffering they would endure but the joy that would follow. "When a woman is in labor she has pain because her time has come. But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has been born into the world. (Jn.16:21)"  It's true.  I'd relive the past 9 months in a heartbeat to have this little guy here with me now.

So tonight, it is with great joy that I introduce to you my son Pax Bryan Cirlot.  God is good.

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