Motherhood Is Not For the Faint of Heart

Motherhood is not for wimps.  It is not for sprinters.

You will be required to run a marathon whether or not you feel trained for it.  

I overslept my alarm this morning, which means I woke up to Abby running down the hallway and Pax stirring in his bedroom.  Moments into alertness, I'm changing diapers, pouring cereal, cleaning up messes, and commanding the day.  I like to wake up slowly, even if it means forfeiting precious sleep. There was nothing slow about today.

Pax was testy.  I'd like to say it was because he is teething, but I think we both have to admit at this point that it is just because he is 17 months old.  

He thinks the world should revolve around him still, and he is learning the painful truth that it does not. My old familiar archenemy fatigue was dragging down my pace, and Abby's energy was causing her to run laps around the house in search of an outlet to satisfy her curiosity.

Pax was melting down over everything from the cereal not dancing in front of him to the chairs being too white that he sat in.  

Realizing that I was not going to be able to keep up with them while doing chores, we forfeited all and started working towards leaving the house for a splash park visit.  An hour later, we made it to the car mostly in one piece. It took me 10 minutes and more spankings than we'd like to admit to push Pax into the carseat against his will. 15 teary and tantrum minutes later, Abby and I emerged as war victims from the car, and Pax looked content that he had let us know how frustrated he was in transit.

I let the kids run and play at the splash park until Pax clearly needed to nap.  I loaded them back up into the car with towels bundled on top, and we made another 15 teary and tantrum minutes later back home with Pax and stuck him in bed.  Abby was a trooper and helped me unload the car.  I filled her full of PBJ sandwiches and laid her down for a nap.

Now, in the quiet, I rest for a minute before Pax wakes up and we do the whole thing again.

I frequently have people ask me why I would leave a profitable career to stay at home with my kids. It's not because it is easier.  

It is easier to change diapers when you make $25 an hour to do it.  It's easier to care for a grumpy toddler when you know you get to say goodbye at the end of your shift and leave him.

I do it because of the Gospel.  I believe that Jesus is real and that this world is at war against the Enemy. I believe the most powerful moments of influence we have over our children are in the trenches of motherhood.

I want to invest every moment I have into training my children to love and follow Jesus well because our time on earth is short and the days are evil.  

When my energy is low and I wish I could hide away under my fluffy down comforter, I am teaching Abby and Pax that I treasure them more than sleep when I still get up and serve them to the best of my ability.

When our groceries run low at the end of the month, I teach Abby and Pax to be thankful that God has provided us food by not complaining and demonstrating a thankful heart as we eat bean tortillas or PBJs again.

When Pax pushes me over the edge and I respond in grace, Abby gets to see that being a mother is hard but that God gives grace to the weak and that kids are still valuable even when inconvenient.

Abby tells me she wants to have ninety kids one day.  I smile about it and imagine her running an orphanage with her outgoing personality and boundless energy.  I'm thankful that she sees motherhood as a gift and not a burden.  I hope I get better at demonstrating that.

Moms, none of us are perfect.  Most of us are tired.  Let's remember that serving our families is not worthless or vain.  In fact, everything we do for Jesus' glory, even in the shadows behind closed doors, is important.  Keep running the race.  In the Spirit's power, we can finish well.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV)

Our Delivery Story

Pax minutes after birth

This past Easter Sunday was Pax's official due date.  Having him here almost two and a half weeks early has been wonderful.  Even though this is almost 2 and a half weeks later,  I wanted to share our delivery story with you.  God's hand is all over it.  Seriously.

A week before I delivered Pax, I began to have prodromal labor. I went from no dilatation to 4 cm in a day or so but then stopped.  Even though I wasn't dilating any more, I was continuing to have contractions day and night with only a few hour breaks in between.  All of the while I was having gallbladder attacks at the same time, and I was miserable.  After a week of trying to get my labor to progress naturally, I became discouraged and gave up.  My ob scheduled for me to be induced the following week, and I went home in tears.  I wasn't sure how much more I could take, but I wanted Pax to be delivered at a safe time for him.  I was trying to wait as long as possible to be induced.  I really wanted to go into labor on my own.

That night we had community group at our house, and when we went to bed,  I was woken up at 3 a.m. with a gallbladder attack.  I tried every trick I knew to deal with the pain without any success. By 6 a.m., I was vomiting uncontrollably, and I couldn't keep any of my medicines down.  By 6:30 a.m., I had a good cry about how I couldn't do this any longer, and at 7:30 a.m., we had loaded Abby up in the car and were on our way to the ER for me to get pain meds and fluids IV.

When I arrived at the hospital, my ob was already there about to do a c-section, so he came by to check on me when he finished.  Because my gallbladder attack had pushed me far over my pain threshold, I was shocked when he told me that I had dilated more and was almost a 6.  I was hurting so badly that I had no idea my labor had been progressing.  At that point, I was given pain meds and fluids IV to help me rest so I would be ready for the labor ahead.  By 12:30 p.m., I was in the labor and delivery room and was started on pitocin to get things moving faster.  Amazingly, the pain meds had stopped the gallbladder attack, and because so many people were praying for us, I recovered from it faster than I have recovered from any.  I went from being slightly delusional from pain to being mentally ready to finish labor and have our son.

Introducing Pax to Abby

Because I wanted labor to be as short as possible, I labored without any more pain meds or the epidural until I felt myself going through the transition period.  A little before 3 p.m. I told the nurse I was ready for the epidural, and the anesthesiologist came up and started it exactly when I really needed it.  When he finished, I told the nurse I wanted to take a short nap, because I knew I was at the end.  I slept for about 30 minutes then was woken up and knew it was time to push.  I called my nurse, and she was shocked to feel Pax's head crowning already.  She quickly set up for the delivery and called my ob who was already in the parking lot coming in for another c-section.  Within minutes of his arrival into the room, I delivered Pax at 3:57.  He had perfect a Apgar score and weighed exactly 7 lbs.  Nothing about his delivery seemed early. None of the pain meds I had been on affected his vital signs.  God was gracious.

God had safely brought our son into the world when I physically and emotionally could handle no more.  For such a rough start to the day, I had the best delivery experience I could have hoped for.  Months earlier, I had worried that I wouldn't have the strength to deliver Pax without a c-section, and that day, I delivered him with minimal assistance as I had hoped.  My experience at Ocean Springs Hospital was ideal.  I had a great nurse that day, and my doctor was there when I really needed him to be.  Most of all, God's peace was with me the whole time, and I knew that He was with us as we delivered Pax.

My first photo to pose with Pax all showered and prettied up 24 hrs post delivery.

Having our son with us now is such a blessing.  My heart couldn't be fuller with the precious family God has given me.  I couldn't be more thankful to be holding a healthy baby boy now.

October Joy

Job 1:21 "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Three years ago, Bryan and I found out unexpectedly that we were pregnant and were surprised but excited. Shortly after we shared our good news, we miscarried and were devastated. Less than six months later, God gave us Abby to our great joy. Parenting has taught us so much about God's intense love for us and how carefully He disciplines and nurtures us. Through the furious pain of miscarrying, I felt Jesus carry me through my heartache and through the beautiful excitement of delivering a healthy child, I felt Jesus rejoice with me, His child.

Every October now, we celebrate what God has given and what He has taken away. Through both children, we have seen the beauty of the LORD and for that we are thankful and forever grateful for both lives that have permanently touched ours.

Today, we are excited to share that God has given us another child that we expectedly wait to meet next June. We praise God that He has given us another child to love. Bryan is praying it is a boy!

Here's a snapshot of Abby in her "Big Sister" shirt I made for her to wear as we shared with the grandparents a few weeks ago. She's still trying to figure out what "Big Sister" means.