Changing Expectations...

Since the beginning of this pregnancy with our sweet son, it's been about adjusting expectations.  Once again, our plan has changed a little.  Here's the deal.

For almost a week, I have been stuck in prodromal labor.  Basically, it's labor that helped me dilate and efface to a certain point that has just stalled and is accomplishing little more than making me miserable and tired now.  Unlike Braxton Hicks, these contractions are the real deal and come about every 5 minutes when they are cranked up, but my body stopped responding to them last Wednesday night.  Apparently, when I was having a massive gallbladder attack in the ER, I was also beginning to go into early labor.  When I received my pain meds to control the gallbladder attack, it likely stalled the labor as well.  I've been stuck in this early labor cycle ever since.

Unless my water breaks or something changes again, Pax is going to need a little help to make his entrance into the world.  It looks like he is following in his sister's footsteps.  Abby did exactly the same thing!

Even though I wanted to go into labor naturally on my own, it may not happen.  Since I'm halfway through week 37 right now, we are going to wait another week to let my body kick into gear.  If it doesn't, I will be induced Thursday morning, and Pax will get to join our family under my doctor's supervision.  I think Bryan is relieved that either way Pax isn't going to be crashing Church@The Square's Easter service. :)

We appreciate the prayers we have received so much to make it to this point!  God has been so good to us so far, and I can't wait to introduce our son to you.  Keep praying for us!  We are almost to the finish line.

Chasing Rabbits

I've been thinking.  Chasing rabbits.  I need to write to make sense of all that has been spinning in my mind.

A year ago, Bryan and I went to an Acts29 bootcamp to explore planting a church in our town.  We were exiting a difficult ministry situation and feeling called to start something new.  During those few days, God clearly confirmed His plan for us to start what would become Church@The Square.  It was an amazing time of worship, Bible study, encouragement, and preparation for what would be ahead for us.  One of the speakers told us that Satan might not know where our neighbors lived but if we started a church, he would know where we lived.  Spiritual warfare wasn't a spooky ghost story.  It was a reality we would live in if we moved into enemy territory and became a threat.  As a pastor and a church planter, he wasn't trying to use scare tactics, but he did want to remind all of us that the price of obedience was high and that it would cost all of us something.  In the New Testament, Jesus said the same thing.

The seasons of life that have been ushered in with following our call as a church planting family have been completely unlike anything we have ever experienced.  The ways God has provided for our family's needs have been nothing short of supernatural and amazing at times.  Money for bills and needs has appeared in the strangest of places, and seeing God touch lives is beautiful.  I wouldn't trade what we have seen for an easier journey.  I love what God is doing through Church@The Square.

The cost has been high.  Since the blog I wrote at the beginning of December about our family leaping into church planting full-time, we have been tested incredibly.  It's almost like situation after situation has arisen to challenge us and say, "Are you really serious about this church planting thing?  What if it costs you _____?  Will you really stick with it then?"  By God's grace, we have been able to say, "Yes!"

I don't think it is coincidental that my health has taken a nose dive since December.  Even the doctors don't really know what is going on exactly, and since I am pregnant, their ability to run tests has been limited.  A couple of weeks ago when I was hooked up to an IV pump in the hospital, that same voice asked me again.  "Is it really worth it? What if you don't get better?  Does God even care? If He is Sovereign, You know He could heal you.  Can You really love and trust a God who plays with your health... with your child's health?"  Shutting the voice out, I responded, "Yes!"

You see, I don't understand why God has not healed me completely.  I wish He would.  But, God was gracious and has given me some unexpected really good days since I have been released from the hospital.  I know He could heal me, but He hasn't.  Maybe it's so I can write this blog.  I have no clue.  There are times when God acts in ways that are completely beyond our understanding, and we are asked to trust Him.  When I don't get life, I have to preach to myself and remind my heart what I do know is true.  God is good.  God loves me.  God is for me and not against me.  His ways are greater than my ways.  Just like an ant can't fathom the brainpower of a nuclear scientist, I cannot always understand the mind of God.  I can trust His heart.  He is a good Father, and I am His child.

Today, I woke up with one of the worst gallbladder attacks I have had so far.  The Lortab and the other medications I took didn't touch it.  I was discouraged. I cried in the obgyn office.  I hate crying in public.  A lot.  I am so close to delivering a healthy baby.  I don't want to go back to the hospital to get hooked up to an IV again.  I don't want to let Abby see her mommy cry anymore because she can't handle the pain.  I definitely don't want any more medical bills coming into our mailbox.  However, if God somehow gets glory in my suffering, I have to submit to Him.  Life was never promised to be easy, and even if I have to deal with pain more than I would like, God has been incredibly good to me and my family.  God has faithfully protected Pax and kept him safe throughout this whole pregnancy.  I am finally able to eat meals again and gain healthy pregnancy weight to be able to deliver safely with strength.  Easter Sunday is our due date.  Not too much longer until our sweet boy will be here!

Healed or not, God is kind and loving.  I will find rest in Jesus.  On the other side of eternity, I will look back and know that the cost was worth it.  As Jim Elliot said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."  Even if planting a church costs me my health, I'd agree with Bryan to do it again.  The Enemy may not play fair, but Jesus is worth everything.  In the end, Jesus wins.

"1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Less is More

28 weeks pregnant... I survived the second trimester.  Just one more to go!

I haven't blogged about the launch of Church@The Square yet, because quite honestly, I haven't felt much like writing or doing anything else lately.  The birth of the new church is so exciting and there is so much to tell.  However, having a sick gallbladder takes a lot out of me, and I've been carefully rationing out my spurts of energy to take care of Bryan, Abby, and our home.  


Lately, I have really been struggling with the constant physical down days where I can't accomplish much more than being pregnant.  I mean, technically, even at rest, I'm doing a lot- I'm nurturing our son and giving him a chance to develop well before he meets the outside world.  If you know me, I am so task and goal oriented that I don't like to slow down... I have to right now.


Today is one of those days where I woke up sluggish and the funk hasn't went away.  I sat in my recliner this morning and was praying.  I was thinking about how frustrating it is not to be able to pull as much of the weight with the church plant or with our business as I would like to do right now and was feeling pretty helpless.  That's when this verse came to mind.


Matthew 5:3 (The MSG) "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule."


I'm definitely there.  I don't have anything more of me to give right now.  I have a willing heart but an unwilling body.  God knows.  God cares.  If He has chosen not to heal me right now, it's so I can learn a greater lesson.  Maybe, I need to be reminded right now in this huge life transition that it doesn't take more of me to accomplish something great.  It takes less of me and more of Him.


I can't run around wide open as I'm used to doing pulling all of the little details together, but I can be still and pray and watch God work everything out in His way.  I don't think I will ever like being sick.  It stinks.  I need to remember that God is accomplishing His purpose in me, through me, and around me- not because I have so much to offer- but because He does.  God is good like that.  He shocks the world by using the weakest, most useless vessels to show how amazing and capable He is.


"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong." 1 Corinthians 1:27 (ESV)

If you are feeling pretty useless or helpless today, thank Him.  You might be exactly where you need to be to finally be useful in His Kingdom.


It's not about us... it is about Jesus.


"In Him we live and move and have our being..." Acts 17:28 (NIV)


"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 (ESV)

Final Decision: Today's Update from My Appointment with the Surgeon

So, the last few days have not been too fun.  Wednesday, I met with the surgeon to discuss whether or not my gallbladder needs come out now or after Pax is born.  He decided to order more tests.  Thursday morning, I had more ultrasounds of my gallbladder and a fatty meal test.  The ultrasounds showed nothing unusual, but the fatty meal test sent my gallbladder into painful spasms within minutes.  As a result, I was miserable for the rest of the day and had a rough night.

This morning, we met with Dr. Bailey, the surgeon, again for follow-up.  He consulted with Dr. Sams, my obgyn, to get his feedback.  Though Dr. Bailey's diagnosis is that I have a dysfunctional gallbladder that needs to come out, both Dr. Sams and he agree that the gallbladder surgery's risks outweigh the benefits at this point.  Even though I am in pain all of the time, especially at night, it is safest for Pax if we can postpone surgery until after delivery.  I understand, because Pax kept kicking the ultrasound probe out of the way yesterday when they were trying to take photos of my gallbladder.  It's scary to think about him doing that with a scalpel.  As soon as Pax is delivered, my gallbladder needs to come out. Obviously, it is in not working if a fatty meal of any sort sends me into a gallbladder attack.

Here's what I am asking our prayers warriors to pray for:

1) Pray that my gallbladder does not become infected.  If it does, we'll have to do a risky open surgery that is dangerous for Pax and me.

2) Pray that the gallbladder attacks will settle down and that I won't be in pain so often.

3) Pray that God gives me the grace and peace to endure the next 3 months.  My gallbladder has only been in crisis mode since Thanksgiving, but it feels like it has been an eternity already.  I am really ready to feel comfortable again.  Chronic pain is exhausting and frustrating (as many of you know that suffer with it from other issues).

Our doctors' final decision:

No surgery for now unless I begin running a fever.  Stay on a bland, gluten free diet for 3 more months and control the pain with medication as needed.  Expect to schedule surgery soon after Pax's delivery.

January Update

Since I know I have a lot of people following our pregnancy and praying for us, I wanted to give an update tonight.

Backtracking a bit, since the week of Thanksgiving, my gallbladder has been giving me some trouble.  The week after Thanksgiving, I had my first gallbladder attack, and it has gone downhill since.  I've been trying to manage the frequent gallbladder attacks with a strict gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, nut free, egg free, low fat diet, but my gallbladder has continually become more dysfunctional as time has went on.

Two Mondays ago, I ended up in the ER because the pain was so severe.  When they did an ultrasound, they were unable to find any gallstones or any evidence of infection, so they sent me home with a strong oral pain medicine.  Since then, my obgyn has been closely monitoring me, and the game plan was for me to just tough it out until Pax could be safely delivered in April.  Since I have been continuing to lose weight pregnant, not gain weight as expected, there has been some reason for concern.  So far, all of my labs and ultrasounds have indicated that Pax is healthy and is not being negatively affected by any of the health struggles I have had.  I believe it's because so many of you have been praying with us that God would keep him safe during this pregnancy.

This past Friday night, I had an extremely severe attack where the pain was no longer manageable with the strongest oral pain medicine I could take while pregnant.  Upon talking to my obgyn, I began an all liquid diet for Saturday and Sunday to try to avoid more gallbladder attacks.  Unfortunately, I've never completely recovered from the attack Friday, and I have been much sicker than I was before.  I still don't hurt as much during the day as I do at night, but my energy level is really lagging and I just don't feel good.

Today, my obgyn referred me to a local general surgeon, and he wants me to reconsider operating now- not later.  The plus side of me being so small this pregnancy is that they may be able to do a laparoscopy still even though I am crossing over into my third trimester.  Until today, I had understood that a laparoscopy was no longer possible.

Tomorrow morning, I am scheduled for another ultrasound with a fatty meal test.  The point of the test is to throw me into a gallbladder attack, so they can verify 100% that it is indeed my gallbladder causing the pain and sickness.  I am nervous about the test, because the attacks I have had lately have been worse than labor was with Abby.  Please pray that if it is my gallbladder (as symptoms seem to indicate) that the test would be 100% definitive and that God would give me the grace to get through the pain and discomfort of the test.  My worst fear tomorrow is that the test would be inconclusive.

Friday morning, I follow-up with my general surgeon to discuss surgery options and what is safest for Pax and me.

This is all moving fast, so I would appreciate prayers for clear direction, clear answers, and wisdom.  Please pray for Pax's safety and my safety.  Please pray that God would give us all peace during the next few days.  Abby has been really concerned lately that I am dying, and it breaks my heart to hear a 3 year old ask such tough questions.  Obviously, I feel concerned about the safety of Pax through all of this.  Bryan feels the weight of everything.  We did just launch a church two weeks ago!

I don't like what is happening.  It does make me uncomfortable.  It does make me feel anxious, but I do know that God is sovereign and in control.  As much as I wish and pray for instantaneous healing, at this point, that's not been His will.  For now, we'll just continue to trust Him one moment at a time.  God is good.  His plan for me is good.  It may be painful, uncomfortable, and not my will to go through this, but it's still ultimately for His good and my good.  I will choose to rest in Him.

Thanks for the prayers.