Trip to the Fair

Today, we made our annual stop to the livestock barn at the Jackson County Fair.  Pax crashed on our way, so he slept through the entire visit in his awesome Bob jogging stroller.  However, Abby had a blast seeing all of the animals and fell in love with at least a couple before we left.  We even had a nice family volunteer to take a photo of all of us together.  Did I mention I love living in the South?

Highlights from this Summer

I am long overdue for a life update, but that's how we roll in the Cirlot residence.

Lots has happened since I gave my last update.

We kicked off the summer with a trip to Fort Morgan, Alabama with Bryan's side of the family.

Abby and her great grandmother on the schooner celebrating her cousin Cade's birthday.

Pax thought throwing sand was mad fun.  He wasn't too crazy about swimming in the Gulf though.  He likes rivers and pools much more.

We visited Fort Morgan and explored it as a crew.

The kids even participated in a sweet sibling moment to appease their mother.

In July, Pax finally had his surgery to correct his tongue tie.  Other than having a terrible time with anesthesia, everything was a breeze.

You can see he isn't a fan of anything that causes early mornings to happen.

Pax quickly was back on his feet like a pro.  The summer continued with ice cream sandwiches (gluten free, of course!) and lots of time outdoors.

Pax being ridiculously cute in our little plastic pool.  It was $35 well spent two summers ago!

It's hard to beat frozen treats in summer heat.

As the summer came to a close, Abby started her K-4 year, and Pax and I have been flexing to find a new routine without big sissy's help.  Church@The Square finally moved into our new building, and we are so excited about the new chapter that is waiting for our family and ministry.

Abby posing while her buddy Bongo watches wistfully wishing he was the center of attention.

Laundry time is fun in an 18 month old's world.

This past week, we vacationed at the camp.  It felt great to slow down as a family!  Maybe, I'll do a post soon to share some highlights from our trip.

Motherhood Is Not For the Faint of Heart

Motherhood is not for wimps.  It is not for sprinters.

You will be required to run a marathon whether or not you feel trained for it.  

I overslept my alarm this morning, which means I woke up to Abby running down the hallway and Pax stirring in his bedroom.  Moments into alertness, I'm changing diapers, pouring cereal, cleaning up messes, and commanding the day.  I like to wake up slowly, even if it means forfeiting precious sleep. There was nothing slow about today.

Pax was testy.  I'd like to say it was because he is teething, but I think we both have to admit at this point that it is just because he is 17 months old.  

He thinks the world should revolve around him still, and he is learning the painful truth that it does not. My old familiar archenemy fatigue was dragging down my pace, and Abby's energy was causing her to run laps around the house in search of an outlet to satisfy her curiosity.

Pax was melting down over everything from the cereal not dancing in front of him to the chairs being too white that he sat in.  

Realizing that I was not going to be able to keep up with them while doing chores, we forfeited all and started working towards leaving the house for a splash park visit.  An hour later, we made it to the car mostly in one piece. It took me 10 minutes and more spankings than we'd like to admit to push Pax into the carseat against his will. 15 teary and tantrum minutes later, Abby and I emerged as war victims from the car, and Pax looked content that he had let us know how frustrated he was in transit.

I let the kids run and play at the splash park until Pax clearly needed to nap.  I loaded them back up into the car with towels bundled on top, and we made another 15 teary and tantrum minutes later back home with Pax and stuck him in bed.  Abby was a trooper and helped me unload the car.  I filled her full of PBJ sandwiches and laid her down for a nap.

Now, in the quiet, I rest for a minute before Pax wakes up and we do the whole thing again.

I frequently have people ask me why I would leave a profitable career to stay at home with my kids. It's not because it is easier.  

It is easier to change diapers when you make $25 an hour to do it.  It's easier to care for a grumpy toddler when you know you get to say goodbye at the end of your shift and leave him.

I do it because of the Gospel.  I believe that Jesus is real and that this world is at war against the Enemy. I believe the most powerful moments of influence we have over our children are in the trenches of motherhood.

I want to invest every moment I have into training my children to love and follow Jesus well because our time on earth is short and the days are evil.  

When my energy is low and I wish I could hide away under my fluffy down comforter, I am teaching Abby and Pax that I treasure them more than sleep when I still get up and serve them to the best of my ability.

When our groceries run low at the end of the month, I teach Abby and Pax to be thankful that God has provided us food by not complaining and demonstrating a thankful heart as we eat bean tortillas or PBJs again.

When Pax pushes me over the edge and I respond in grace, Abby gets to see that being a mother is hard but that God gives grace to the weak and that kids are still valuable even when inconvenient.

Abby tells me she wants to have ninety kids one day.  I smile about it and imagine her running an orphanage with her outgoing personality and boundless energy.  I'm thankful that she sees motherhood as a gift and not a burden.  I hope I get better at demonstrating that.

Moms, none of us are perfect.  Most of us are tired.  Let's remember that serving our families is not worthless or vain.  In fact, everything we do for Jesus' glory, even in the shadows behind closed doors, is important.  Keep running the race.  In the Spirit's power, we can finish well.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV)

A Nursery Lesson

Pax is a dare devil.  This kid started standing up on things at six months old.  Fast forward to the present, almost nine months of age, Paxman is a rock star.  He resourcefully tests anything that can move and turns it into a push along walker.  For example, if his sissy is dragging a huge basket of toys across our wooden floors, you can bet that Pax will track her down, grab on, jerk himself up, and walk behind her as if he has been doing this all of his life.  Our little guy is dying to be as "big" as Abby.

Learning to walk is his goal from the time he wakes up until the time he crashes these days.

This morning, Pax was actually using his walker to practice walking.  Novel idea, huh?  He was fast tracking back and forth in his bedroom until he tried to push it out the very uneven door opening between his bedroom and the hallway.  Crash!  Somehow, Paxman flipped upside down and landed with his back legs in the air half dangling over his upside down walk behind.

He screamed in anger and in pain.  I picked him up and sat him in my lap to assess the damage.  Any bleeding?  Nope.  Any bruises?  Not yet.  Before I could continue my assessment, Pax had squirmed out of my arms and was squealing in rage at his walker and crawling back towards it in determination to finish the job he had started.  He was going to push that thing through the doorway.

 

Failure was unacceptable.

By the time Pax reached his walk behind, he was no longer growling in frustration, he was squealing with delight.  What had started as a huge disappointment had become an even more fun toy.  With the walker flipped upside down, Pax now had better access to the wheels.  He stood proudly beside them and spinned them with his tiny fingers as fast as he could and giggled.

An instagram of Paxman soaring past me in our bedroom the other day

Failure was forgotten as it unearthed something new.  Something better than he would have thought of on his own without it.

As I'm watching my son in amusement, a light bulb went off in my head.  The same happens to us.  Sometimes, we're going head on with life pursuing our agenda, our goals, our dreams, and everything flips on us unexpectedly.  We end up wounded and frustrated.  We cry out in anger at God for messing up "our plans."  In His goodness and grace, our Father God picks us up, heals our wounds, and feeling comforted, we plunge back forward and begin going again.  As we face our failures in His light, the shame we once felt begins to fade away, and in the wake of our tragedy, we discover something new.  We discover that our failures were actually paving the way for a greater story, a better one than we could have planned ourselves.  We learn that, indeed, all things work out for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purposes.

1 Peter 5:10 

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.


Go forth dear child of God.  Blaze the trail Jesus has placed you on.  Do not fear your failures.  God is bigger than they are.  Be afraid not to live.  Go forth.  Your Father is good.  He is watching and listening.  He will comfort you when you fall then He will set you back on His course again.  You are part of a great story, precious believer.  The greatest story of all time.  Your life may seem like a failure right now as you try to follow after Jesus, but at the end of time, we'll look back in confidence and say that His story was greater than anything we could have planned on our own.  So for now, do not fear.  

 

Go live for Him.

 
Micah 7:7-8 

But as for me, I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me.

The Beauty of Discovering I Am Not God

This past year has pushed me to realize something very important that I should have figured out by now...

I'm not God.

Laugh.  Go ahead.  You think I'm kidding.  I'm not.

I'm completely serious.

In July of 2011, after months of trying, God allowed us to conceive Pax, and by August, I began to really struggle in the pregnancy.  The vomiting started.  I experienced a migraine that resembled a stroke that landed me in the ER and multiple doctor's offices.  Life went out of control very quickly, and since then, nothing has been the same.

Waiting at the pediatrician's office again this week. Both of the kids have become waiting pros.

Between Pax and me, I have spent countless hours in doctor's offices and in the hospital.  My body still isn't the same,  but after my cholecystectomy six weeks ago,  I am just now getting to a place where I think I will have a "new normal" again.  Five months old today, our little guy has had his share of misery with terrible reflux, and the medications he has been on to control it have only helped minimally.

Finally, It looks like we are having a breakthrough with his treatment in the past day.  I am ecstatic, relieved, hopeful... It couldn't have come at a better time.

This past week I hit a wall.  Burnout.  Ugh.

I had tried to pace myself carefully, but my best efforts weren't enough.  Being a caregiver to a baby who is often irritable and crying has drained me, and for the past week, depression has been visiting and threatening to stay.  If you've ever experienced depression before, you know the fear I feel.  I hate being down, but I think I needed this.  I needed to be slowed down, so I would listen.

Here's what I feel like God is teaching me.

You're not God.  I am.

You're not in control.  I am.

You can't do this by yourself.  You're not God.  I am.

Ouch.

You would think I would realize that by now.

Nothing about me looks strong anymore.

I am just now really beginning to get it.

I can't do life alone.  I can't shoulder the responsibility of raising my kids, being a good wife, or being a somewhat decent friend by myself.

I have to do it in the grace that God gives me, and sometimes, that's through others.

Sure, I know what it is like to have the support, love, and friendship from my family and my Christian community.  We have experienced the abundant kindness of others often, and the past few weeks, I have been intentionally rearranging my life to invite help in more often.  But, until this point, I thought that help was a luxury, and I was wrong.

Asking for help is a need for me... and them.

When I ask for help because I am struggling and life is too heavy for me to bear, I am being humble and admitting to those listening that I am not God.  I am opening myself up to the fact that I am not self sufficient and am indeed human.

Yes, I think we sometimes need to be reminded.  Isn't that what happened in the garden of Eden?  Eve listened to the Serpent (AKA. the Devil) because she wanted to be like God.  She ate the fruit, shared it with her husband, and life has went downhill since.  As humans, we've had a God complex since the beginning.

It's time to end it.

When I give others (referring to the Christian community) the opportunity to help meet my needs, they get the blessing of loving and serving me like Jesus loves and serves them.

Then, my vulnerability and neediness become a beautiful thing as the unbelieving world that is watching gets to see my suffering being eased, and the beauty of Christ is put on display as I get off my pedestal and He gets on it where He belongs. 

Trying to cheer up Little Man Sunday evening
with glider time.

At that moment, this isn't just a Christian friend helping me sweep my floors or someone bouncing a sick baby to give me a break.  This is the Christian Church functioning unselfishly in a raw and beautiful way that screams Jesus is alive.

I know what some of you are thinking.  I like being independent.  I feel safe when I am in control of what I need and how I get it.  If you look up the definition of a Type A control freak, my photo is in the margin.  I am not a good example of this yet.

Being vulnerable is awkward and risky.  

But, right now, I am realizing again (yes, I'm a slow learner) that it is not about me.  This life is about God and His glory.  If in my weakness, the world sees Christ more clearly and He becomes more desirable, it is worth it.  My life isn't about making sure everyone knows how strong or how "together" Anna Cirlot is.  It's about Him.  God's strength.  God's design.  God's sovereignty.  God's glory.

I'm not God.

He is.

This is war.  We have a real Enemy that is more than happy to take us out.  If we harden ourselves in pride, we'll either crumble under the pressure or become too puffed up from "making it" on our own to let Jesus get the spotlight He deserves.

Let's be real.  Let's be vulnerable.  Let's hold each other up.  Let's admit life is messy, and that we need each other.

Let's live in such a way dear friends that the world will know this isn't just another fairy tale.  Jesus is real.

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another.  In the same way I loved you, you love one another.  This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples, when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34-35

Month 2 with Pax

I've been off the blogging radar for almost a month.  This past month with Pax has been tough.  Somewhere around one month of age Pax developed severe infant reflux.  Because he was refluxing silently with virtually no spit up, it made it tricky to pinpoint.  At first I thought he might be just gassy but when the telltale back arching began every time he nursed, the culprit became more obvious.  We knew that he was a terrible sleeper, but we suddenly began to understand why.

I took him to his pediatrician a week after his one month appointment.  He ordered an upper gi barium swallow test and fluoroscopy, and reflux was confirmed when Pax refluxed even the chalky white barium during the study.  Since then we've been through a couple of rounds of medications, and he is currently on the strongest medications he can receive for his diagnosis at the maximum dose. I give Pax medicine every six hours, and I have to pump exclusively and thicken every bottle he eats.  We've made progress, but it's been slow with a lot of trial and error.

Pax asleep in his nap nanny anchored in the co-sleeper mini beside our bed.  This is the only way we can get him to sleep safely and happily at night.

***Disclaimer: The Nap Nanny company is clear that you should only use this item on the floor.  We have chosen to do this against Nap Nanny's recommendations while our son is small and unable to get out of his Nap Nanny.  I am not recommending the use of a Nap Nanny in a cosleeper for anyone else.  It's simply our personal choice.  We use it this way because I want him to be extra close so I can hear him clearly in the middle of the night if he starts wheezing from reflux.***

Unfortunately, his reflux is still severe, even with medications, and we are having to tweak his treatment plan again for the third time.  At this point, we are going to continue his medications, and we are going to have to incorporate 5-6 meals of rice cereal into his diet every day while we decrease the number of bottles he receives.  Though he has been less fussy with adding rice cereal to his bottles, Pax is still waking up some nights wheezing, coughing, and congested, so the only way to treat the reflux at night now is to make sure he gets less liquid to reflux.  At four months, we will begin full solids (veggies, fruits, etc.) to make his diet mostly food- not milk.  Pax's pediatrician said he will not outgrow his reflux, but it will be much more manageable once his diet is mostly solids.

At this point, I will happily follow whatever plan we need to do to get our son healthy and happy again.  Thankfully, Pax's weight is great, and he is responding like a champ to rice cereal and thickened bottles.  Pray with us that this new plan works and that we will get our sweet boy's reflux under control soon.

Hope Does Not Disappoint

For those of you are Christians...  do you feel "saved" most days, or do you go through seasons where you just believe but don't really "feel" anything?  I've been stuck in a terribly dry season for a while now.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Jesus, but emotionally, I've been leaning towards empty.  I've been journeying through a spiritual desert while I have seen God working all around me.  It's an odd place to be.  It makes me think about the Israelites as God led them to the Promised Land.  They walked through the most desolate of places but all the while experienced miracles like never before.  I'm there.

I know I have shared about this before, but when I was pregnant with Pax, I really felt anything but pregnant.  I just felt miserable most of the time and sometimes scared.  The frequent gallbladder attacks were maddening to my Type A personality, because I couldn't be productive most days.  I could only endure.  I often fought against guilt, because we had wanted this baby so badly.  When I couldn't take living in the moment anymore, I would live for the delivery day.  I imagined what it would be like to hold a healthy baby boy.  That hope is what kept me going.  In the end, that hope didn't disappoint.  Having Pax with us now has been the greatest joy.  I can't thank God enough for this precious gift.  My heart is so full.

Transition to today.  I'm not feeling too spiritual.  My quiet times are completely random as I adjust to life with two sweet kids on not enough sleep.  I've been out of church more than in church in the past few months for reasons I couldn't control.  All of that adds up and contributes to this season.  I am just not on a spiritual mountaintop.  It's more like a valley.  I'm guessing I am not alone.  I think it is safe to assume that some of you feel this way now or have been here before.

What keeps me going?  Hope.  Hope in what is to come.  Right now, in the trenches of life, heaven seems so far away.  A place where we will become all we are supposed to be as believers.  A place where sin's sting will be no more.  No more suffering.  No more crying.  No more death.  A place where Jesus will fill our hearts with a joy that will never end, and we will find rest in His arms.  It seems far away, but it's not.

When life becomes too much or when the Enemy accuses you and condemns you again and again, focus on heaven brothers and sisters.  Imagine the joy we will have when we see Jesus face to face.  Drink it in.  Taste it.  Let it wash over you.  As believers, we have no reason to be ashamed or discouraged- we have been rescued. With the joy set before us, let's endure our cross and finish this race well.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, l

ooking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Our Delivery Story

Pax minutes after birth

This past Easter Sunday was Pax's official due date.  Having him here almost two and a half weeks early has been wonderful.  Even though this is almost 2 and a half weeks later,  I wanted to share our delivery story with you.  God's hand is all over it.  Seriously.

A week before I delivered Pax, I began to have prodromal labor. I went from no dilatation to 4 cm in a day or so but then stopped.  Even though I wasn't dilating any more, I was continuing to have contractions day and night with only a few hour breaks in between.  All of the while I was having gallbladder attacks at the same time, and I was miserable.  After a week of trying to get my labor to progress naturally, I became discouraged and gave up.  My ob scheduled for me to be induced the following week, and I went home in tears.  I wasn't sure how much more I could take, but I wanted Pax to be delivered at a safe time for him.  I was trying to wait as long as possible to be induced.  I really wanted to go into labor on my own.

That night we had community group at our house, and when we went to bed,  I was woken up at 3 a.m. with a gallbladder attack.  I tried every trick I knew to deal with the pain without any success. By 6 a.m., I was vomiting uncontrollably, and I couldn't keep any of my medicines down.  By 6:30 a.m., I had a good cry about how I couldn't do this any longer, and at 7:30 a.m., we had loaded Abby up in the car and were on our way to the ER for me to get pain meds and fluids IV.

When I arrived at the hospital, my ob was already there about to do a c-section, so he came by to check on me when he finished.  Because my gallbladder attack had pushed me far over my pain threshold, I was shocked when he told me that I had dilated more and was almost a 6.  I was hurting so badly that I had no idea my labor had been progressing.  At that point, I was given pain meds and fluids IV to help me rest so I would be ready for the labor ahead.  By 12:30 p.m., I was in the labor and delivery room and was started on pitocin to get things moving faster.  Amazingly, the pain meds had stopped the gallbladder attack, and because so many people were praying for us, I recovered from it faster than I have recovered from any.  I went from being slightly delusional from pain to being mentally ready to finish labor and have our son.

Introducing Pax to Abby

Because I wanted labor to be as short as possible, I labored without any more pain meds or the epidural until I felt myself going through the transition period.  A little before 3 p.m. I told the nurse I was ready for the epidural, and the anesthesiologist came up and started it exactly when I really needed it.  When he finished, I told the nurse I wanted to take a short nap, because I knew I was at the end.  I slept for about 30 minutes then was woken up and knew it was time to push.  I called my nurse, and she was shocked to feel Pax's head crowning already.  She quickly set up for the delivery and called my ob who was already in the parking lot coming in for another c-section.  Within minutes of his arrival into the room, I delivered Pax at 3:57.  He had perfect a Apgar score and weighed exactly 7 lbs.  Nothing about his delivery seemed early. None of the pain meds I had been on affected his vital signs.  God was gracious.

God had safely brought our son into the world when I physically and emotionally could handle no more.  For such a rough start to the day, I had the best delivery experience I could have hoped for.  Months earlier, I had worried that I wouldn't have the strength to deliver Pax without a c-section, and that day, I delivered him with minimal assistance as I had hoped.  My experience at Ocean Springs Hospital was ideal.  I had a great nurse that day, and my doctor was there when I really needed him to be.  Most of all, God's peace was with me the whole time, and I knew that He was with us as we delivered Pax.

My first photo to pose with Pax all showered and prettied up 24 hrs post delivery.

Having our son with us now is such a blessing.  My heart couldn't be fuller with the precious family God has given me.  I couldn't be more thankful to be holding a healthy baby boy now.

Reflecting on the Past 9 Months

In case you've missed the Pax photo storm on facebook, our little man is here!  He came into our world two weeks early thanks to a nasty gallbladder attack, but we couldn't be happier to have him safe in our arms now.  I can't wait to share his delivery story with you (guys, I know you could probably care less), but I will save that for another day.

I'm feeling rather sentimental as I collage all of my pregnancy photos together with this last snapshot I took tonight with Pax in my arms.  You see, bringing Pax into this world is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Sure, I'm smiling in all of the photos, but the photos are deceptive.  What you don't see are all of the days of vomiting my insides out, the many trips to the ER, the hours I've been hooked up to an IV pump for pain meds, and all of the days and nights I have spent crying because the pain just wouldn't go away.   Trust me, I know that women have endured tougher pregnancies at greater costs, but for me, I assure you that I felt more like I had a deadly cancer than a living, breathing, little person inside of me.  As my due date drew closer and closer, I worried about what kind of mom I could be to this baby I was carrying.  I didn't feel particularly bonded to him- I just felt miserable and sick.  It felt so different from my pregnancy with Abby.

The moment after I delivered Pax, my doctor placed him on my chest, and I looked at him in disbelief.  It didn't seem real.  I was almost in shock that I really had been pregnant... not just sick.  I held his tiny hands in mine, and I studied his little face as he cried with the cold air hitting his wrinkled little frame.  As the nurse took him away to clean him up, it hit me.  God had given us a son.  I cried with relief, because I had made it.  I had carried him to full term, and by God's grace, he was here and well.  Healthier than I had dared to hope for.  He was perfect.  Pax was mine.

Not even a week later, I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face.  It makes me smile to think that I was worried about bonding with him.  I'm completely enamored with this little guy.  He has my heart.  We have been through so much together, and yet, our journey is just beginning. Many of you have labored with me in prayer along this road, and I will forever be grateful.  As I look at his tiny little face sleeping soundly against my chest, I have no regrets. His name Pax, Latin for peace, couldn't be more prophetic now.

I can't help but keep thinking about what Jesus told His disciples when He was trying to prepare them for the suffering they would endure but the joy that would follow. "When a woman is in labor she has pain because her time has come. But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has been born into the world. (Jn.16:21)"  It's true.  I'd relive the past 9 months in a heartbeat to have this little guy here with me now.

So tonight, it is with great joy that I introduce to you my son Pax Bryan Cirlot.  God is good.

Changing Expectations...

Since the beginning of this pregnancy with our sweet son, it's been about adjusting expectations.  Once again, our plan has changed a little.  Here's the deal.

For almost a week, I have been stuck in prodromal labor.  Basically, it's labor that helped me dilate and efface to a certain point that has just stalled and is accomplishing little more than making me miserable and tired now.  Unlike Braxton Hicks, these contractions are the real deal and come about every 5 minutes when they are cranked up, but my body stopped responding to them last Wednesday night.  Apparently, when I was having a massive gallbladder attack in the ER, I was also beginning to go into early labor.  When I received my pain meds to control the gallbladder attack, it likely stalled the labor as well.  I've been stuck in this early labor cycle ever since.

Unless my water breaks or something changes again, Pax is going to need a little help to make his entrance into the world.  It looks like he is following in his sister's footsteps.  Abby did exactly the same thing!

Even though I wanted to go into labor naturally on my own, it may not happen.  Since I'm halfway through week 37 right now, we are going to wait another week to let my body kick into gear.  If it doesn't, I will be induced Thursday morning, and Pax will get to join our family under my doctor's supervision.  I think Bryan is relieved that either way Pax isn't going to be crashing Church@The Square's Easter service. :)

We appreciate the prayers we have received so much to make it to this point!  God has been so good to us so far, and I can't wait to introduce our son to you.  Keep praying for us!  We are almost to the finish line.

Chasing Rabbits

I've been thinking.  Chasing rabbits.  I need to write to make sense of all that has been spinning in my mind.

A year ago, Bryan and I went to an Acts29 bootcamp to explore planting a church in our town.  We were exiting a difficult ministry situation and feeling called to start something new.  During those few days, God clearly confirmed His plan for us to start what would become Church@The Square.  It was an amazing time of worship, Bible study, encouragement, and preparation for what would be ahead for us.  One of the speakers told us that Satan might not know where our neighbors lived but if we started a church, he would know where we lived.  Spiritual warfare wasn't a spooky ghost story.  It was a reality we would live in if we moved into enemy territory and became a threat.  As a pastor and a church planter, he wasn't trying to use scare tactics, but he did want to remind all of us that the price of obedience was high and that it would cost all of us something.  In the New Testament, Jesus said the same thing.

The seasons of life that have been ushered in with following our call as a church planting family have been completely unlike anything we have ever experienced.  The ways God has provided for our family's needs have been nothing short of supernatural and amazing at times.  Money for bills and needs has appeared in the strangest of places, and seeing God touch lives is beautiful.  I wouldn't trade what we have seen for an easier journey.  I love what God is doing through Church@The Square.

The cost has been high.  Since the blog I wrote at the beginning of December about our family leaping into church planting full-time, we have been tested incredibly.  It's almost like situation after situation has arisen to challenge us and say, "Are you really serious about this church planting thing?  What if it costs you _____?  Will you really stick with it then?"  By God's grace, we have been able to say, "Yes!"

I don't think it is coincidental that my health has taken a nose dive since December.  Even the doctors don't really know what is going on exactly, and since I am pregnant, their ability to run tests has been limited.  A couple of weeks ago when I was hooked up to an IV pump in the hospital, that same voice asked me again.  "Is it really worth it? What if you don't get better?  Does God even care? If He is Sovereign, You know He could heal you.  Can You really love and trust a God who plays with your health... with your child's health?"  Shutting the voice out, I responded, "Yes!"

You see, I don't understand why God has not healed me completely.  I wish He would.  But, God was gracious and has given me some unexpected really good days since I have been released from the hospital.  I know He could heal me, but He hasn't.  Maybe it's so I can write this blog.  I have no clue.  There are times when God acts in ways that are completely beyond our understanding, and we are asked to trust Him.  When I don't get life, I have to preach to myself and remind my heart what I do know is true.  God is good.  God loves me.  God is for me and not against me.  His ways are greater than my ways.  Just like an ant can't fathom the brainpower of a nuclear scientist, I cannot always understand the mind of God.  I can trust His heart.  He is a good Father, and I am His child.

Today, I woke up with one of the worst gallbladder attacks I have had so far.  The Lortab and the other medications I took didn't touch it.  I was discouraged. I cried in the obgyn office.  I hate crying in public.  A lot.  I am so close to delivering a healthy baby.  I don't want to go back to the hospital to get hooked up to an IV again.  I don't want to let Abby see her mommy cry anymore because she can't handle the pain.  I definitely don't want any more medical bills coming into our mailbox.  However, if God somehow gets glory in my suffering, I have to submit to Him.  Life was never promised to be easy, and even if I have to deal with pain more than I would like, God has been incredibly good to me and my family.  God has faithfully protected Pax and kept him safe throughout this whole pregnancy.  I am finally able to eat meals again and gain healthy pregnancy weight to be able to deliver safely with strength.  Easter Sunday is our due date.  Not too much longer until our sweet boy will be here!

Healed or not, God is kind and loving.  I will find rest in Jesus.  On the other side of eternity, I will look back and know that the cost was worth it.  As Jim Elliot said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."  Even if planting a church costs me my health, I'd agree with Bryan to do it again.  The Enemy may not play fair, but Jesus is worth everything.  In the end, Jesus wins.

"1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Less is More

28 weeks pregnant... I survived the second trimester.  Just one more to go!

I haven't blogged about the launch of Church@The Square yet, because quite honestly, I haven't felt much like writing or doing anything else lately.  The birth of the new church is so exciting and there is so much to tell.  However, having a sick gallbladder takes a lot out of me, and I've been carefully rationing out my spurts of energy to take care of Bryan, Abby, and our home.  


Lately, I have really been struggling with the constant physical down days where I can't accomplish much more than being pregnant.  I mean, technically, even at rest, I'm doing a lot- I'm nurturing our son and giving him a chance to develop well before he meets the outside world.  If you know me, I am so task and goal oriented that I don't like to slow down... I have to right now.


Today is one of those days where I woke up sluggish and the funk hasn't went away.  I sat in my recliner this morning and was praying.  I was thinking about how frustrating it is not to be able to pull as much of the weight with the church plant or with our business as I would like to do right now and was feeling pretty helpless.  That's when this verse came to mind.


Matthew 5:3 (The MSG) "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule."


I'm definitely there.  I don't have anything more of me to give right now.  I have a willing heart but an unwilling body.  God knows.  God cares.  If He has chosen not to heal me right now, it's so I can learn a greater lesson.  Maybe, I need to be reminded right now in this huge life transition that it doesn't take more of me to accomplish something great.  It takes less of me and more of Him.


I can't run around wide open as I'm used to doing pulling all of the little details together, but I can be still and pray and watch God work everything out in His way.  I don't think I will ever like being sick.  It stinks.  I need to remember that God is accomplishing His purpose in me, through me, and around me- not because I have so much to offer- but because He does.  God is good like that.  He shocks the world by using the weakest, most useless vessels to show how amazing and capable He is.


"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong." 1 Corinthians 1:27 (ESV)

If you are feeling pretty useless or helpless today, thank Him.  You might be exactly where you need to be to finally be useful in His Kingdom.


It's not about us... it is about Jesus.


"In Him we live and move and have our being..." Acts 17:28 (NIV)


"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 (ESV)

Final Decision: Today's Update from My Appointment with the Surgeon

So, the last few days have not been too fun.  Wednesday, I met with the surgeon to discuss whether or not my gallbladder needs come out now or after Pax is born.  He decided to order more tests.  Thursday morning, I had more ultrasounds of my gallbladder and a fatty meal test.  The ultrasounds showed nothing unusual, but the fatty meal test sent my gallbladder into painful spasms within minutes.  As a result, I was miserable for the rest of the day and had a rough night.

This morning, we met with Dr. Bailey, the surgeon, again for follow-up.  He consulted with Dr. Sams, my obgyn, to get his feedback.  Though Dr. Bailey's diagnosis is that I have a dysfunctional gallbladder that needs to come out, both Dr. Sams and he agree that the gallbladder surgery's risks outweigh the benefits at this point.  Even though I am in pain all of the time, especially at night, it is safest for Pax if we can postpone surgery until after delivery.  I understand, because Pax kept kicking the ultrasound probe out of the way yesterday when they were trying to take photos of my gallbladder.  It's scary to think about him doing that with a scalpel.  As soon as Pax is delivered, my gallbladder needs to come out. Obviously, it is in not working if a fatty meal of any sort sends me into a gallbladder attack.

Here's what I am asking our prayers warriors to pray for:

1) Pray that my gallbladder does not become infected.  If it does, we'll have to do a risky open surgery that is dangerous for Pax and me.

2) Pray that the gallbladder attacks will settle down and that I won't be in pain so often.

3) Pray that God gives me the grace and peace to endure the next 3 months.  My gallbladder has only been in crisis mode since Thanksgiving, but it feels like it has been an eternity already.  I am really ready to feel comfortable again.  Chronic pain is exhausting and frustrating (as many of you know that suffer with it from other issues).

Our doctors' final decision:

No surgery for now unless I begin running a fever.  Stay on a bland, gluten free diet for 3 more months and control the pain with medication as needed.  Expect to schedule surgery soon after Pax's delivery.

January Update

Since I know I have a lot of people following our pregnancy and praying for us, I wanted to give an update tonight.

Backtracking a bit, since the week of Thanksgiving, my gallbladder has been giving me some trouble.  The week after Thanksgiving, I had my first gallbladder attack, and it has gone downhill since.  I've been trying to manage the frequent gallbladder attacks with a strict gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, nut free, egg free, low fat diet, but my gallbladder has continually become more dysfunctional as time has went on.

Two Mondays ago, I ended up in the ER because the pain was so severe.  When they did an ultrasound, they were unable to find any gallstones or any evidence of infection, so they sent me home with a strong oral pain medicine.  Since then, my obgyn has been closely monitoring me, and the game plan was for me to just tough it out until Pax could be safely delivered in April.  Since I have been continuing to lose weight pregnant, not gain weight as expected, there has been some reason for concern.  So far, all of my labs and ultrasounds have indicated that Pax is healthy and is not being negatively affected by any of the health struggles I have had.  I believe it's because so many of you have been praying with us that God would keep him safe during this pregnancy.

This past Friday night, I had an extremely severe attack where the pain was no longer manageable with the strongest oral pain medicine I could take while pregnant.  Upon talking to my obgyn, I began an all liquid diet for Saturday and Sunday to try to avoid more gallbladder attacks.  Unfortunately, I've never completely recovered from the attack Friday, and I have been much sicker than I was before.  I still don't hurt as much during the day as I do at night, but my energy level is really lagging and I just don't feel good.

Today, my obgyn referred me to a local general surgeon, and he wants me to reconsider operating now- not later.  The plus side of me being so small this pregnancy is that they may be able to do a laparoscopy still even though I am crossing over into my third trimester.  Until today, I had understood that a laparoscopy was no longer possible.

Tomorrow morning, I am scheduled for another ultrasound with a fatty meal test.  The point of the test is to throw me into a gallbladder attack, so they can verify 100% that it is indeed my gallbladder causing the pain and sickness.  I am nervous about the test, because the attacks I have had lately have been worse than labor was with Abby.  Please pray that if it is my gallbladder (as symptoms seem to indicate) that the test would be 100% definitive and that God would give me the grace to get through the pain and discomfort of the test.  My worst fear tomorrow is that the test would be inconclusive.

Friday morning, I follow-up with my general surgeon to discuss surgery options and what is safest for Pax and me.

This is all moving fast, so I would appreciate prayers for clear direction, clear answers, and wisdom.  Please pray for Pax's safety and my safety.  Please pray that God would give us all peace during the next few days.  Abby has been really concerned lately that I am dying, and it breaks my heart to hear a 3 year old ask such tough questions.  Obviously, I feel concerned about the safety of Pax through all of this.  Bryan feels the weight of everything.  We did just launch a church two weeks ago!

I don't like what is happening.  It does make me uncomfortable.  It does make me feel anxious, but I do know that God is sovereign and in control.  As much as I wish and pray for instantaneous healing, at this point, that's not been His will.  For now, we'll just continue to trust Him one moment at a time.  God is good.  His plan for me is good.  It may be painful, uncomfortable, and not my will to go through this, but it's still ultimately for His good and my good.  I will choose to rest in Him.

Thanks for the prayers.