Childhood Dreams

Do you remember what your childhood dreams were? I can only remember two well. I wanted to be a doctor, usually a vet, and I wanted to have a lot of kids. As I grew up I pursued hard after the first dream, because it was the one that everyone cheered on. I made straight A's, took hard classes, and did everything I could to build up a great background. In my attempt to fulfill Dream #1, I pushed Dream #2 to the side and said I would volunteer at a few orphanages or something (which I did).

When I started dating Bryan my senior year of high school, everything got confusing. I had always known what I wanted and how to get there. Now, I knew I wanted to get married and have kids one day, and I didn't want to spend so many years waiting to go through med school and beyond. I switched out the dream for a nursing career- feeling sure that such a deep desire was of God. I prayed about it constantly and asked to know His will. When I had flareups of unexplainable latex allergies and became depressed and constantly stressed, they were just obstacles- not answers that maybe I was going the wrong way. I trudged through nursing school and graduated in the top of my class. I planned to take a year off from school before heading back to become a nurse practitioner. I even talked about returning to med school.

I hated working as a nurse, but I loved mothering the kids I took care of. I remember standing on our front porch one day and realizing... I'd wasted 5 years of my life pursuing a career that I was miserable in and feeling stuck. I prayed for God to give me a way out. You know you have hit rock bottom when you become jealous of the cashiers at Walmart and wish you were one of them.

The way God delivered me wasn't in the way I would have chosen. We unexpectedly got pregnant, and I miscarried with complications shortly after. Bryan was called to be a pastor here on the Coast, and I looked for a job where I could use my nursing skills without going back into the stress of the hospital world. I became the nurse manager at a pregnancy crisis center and was pregnant again within a few months. When the stress of the job made my body start having the tell tale signs of miscarrying, I resigned and chose family over career.

I wish I could say that at that point I never had doubts or that God gave me a pat on the back in a dream. It's just not true. It has taken almost 3 years to look back and understand what God was doing. For most of my life I was so busy pursuing my "dream," "my calling", "my heart" that I missed it all. I was jealous of people who were living the kind of life God was ready to give me. I wish someone had told me to pursue joy in Christ over a dream. We are not living out our calling if we are always unhappy- we have probably missed it.

The funny thing is that Dream #1 never completely died. I still like medicine and think being a doctor would be cool. It just won't make me happy. I'm still praying about Dream #2, but it may never happen. We have had more miscarriages than successful pregnancies, and we don't have the funds to adopt at this point in our life.

In the end, following my dreams, even good ones, doesn't satisfy. Only Jesus does.

If you hear someone telling you to follow your heart, be careful. It doesn't always lead where it should. Follow Jesus. Only He knows what you really want in the end.

8:45:45 AM


- Posted by Anna using BlogPress from my iPad

So Thankful

I have to say with much relief that God apparently knows what He is doing. Yes, chuckle if you must. You've all felt that way before. Being the sinful humans we are from birth we all doubt if God made a "mistake" with us. Maybe you don't like your crooked nose, your short legs, or your high-pitched laugh. I don't know what "that" is, but, I am confident that you know.

For me, after I went to college and became part of the nursing program, I just hated "me." I tried to think like the other nursing students or nurses I admired. They were so analytical, so fluid with procedures, so mechanical. If you know me at all, you know I don't think that way. According to Bryan, while most people go from A to Z by reciting every letter in between, I just jump from A to Z and have no idea how I got there.

I felt ashamed of my creativity and tried hard to work on the "weak" left side of my brain. I always found myself back working on a piece of art or a craft whenever I was completely stressed out. The right side of my brain could be ignored but not forgotten.

Since we started Peripety Designs, our web design business, I have had an amazing outlet for doing the creative stuff I used to just do for fun- no pay. Being able to support Bryan's ministry by helping our family financially has been a God-sent for me emotionally. The funny thing is that the dominant "right" side of my brain that I was so embarrassed of years ago has become my best friend. USA today wrote an article a year go titled, "Retrain your brain from "left" to "right" to fit into the new economy. Pretty neat.

I'm thankful now that I am wired to be creative. Just like the "left brainers," I have my place in this world too. It's rather beautiful the way God has set up such diversity among all of us. I find great comfort in this journey knowing that all of His details in creating me were purposefully planned. What a glorious God we serve! What other religion can brag about a god who intimately orchestrates the quirks in our personhood for a joyful, divine purpose? Praise Jesus, we can!

The Fruits of 2009

This past year has been one of much emotional and spiritual growth for me as a person. I think I learned more about myself in 2009 than I have my entire existence. What caused this "epiphany" might you ask? I think it was drastically affected by how much time I spent in the Word. The more I read the more I changed. It was inevitably beautiful and satisfying.

The other night I was lying in bed talking to Bryan before we went to sleep and our conversation went like this.

"You know I've been struggling for the last few years about my calling and finding happiness in what I do."- Me

"Yeah."- Bryan in typical male short-answer form

"Well, since I have been praying about it this past year, it's like everything has just been lining up and falling into place. When I was most discouraged recently, I started reading a book (48 Days to the Work You Love) that has helped affirm where I am going and has provided closure for where I have been. It's kind of crazy. It's like God actually wants me to know what He wants me to do with my life."

Bryan upon hearing that claimed this as a future sermon illustration then laughed at me for such a simple "revelation"

It's true. For most of my life, finding God's calling has seemed elusive and mysterious. I had never truly considered that it would align with your greatest joys and gifting. How wonderful our God is! He has not called us to be a martyr of misery but to find great satisfaction in His plan for us. Am I suggesting that we will never face difficulties or that we will never suffer? Absolutely not. I'm just promoting the idea that sometimes we place upon ourselves a "calling" for which we were never called to do in the first place.

For me, I believe I forced myself into nursing as a means of trying to help hurting people while still ensuring that Bryan and I would always have a sizeable income guaranteed at our disposal. While somewhat noble and well-intentioned, my efforts were misguided and fell short of being ultimately satisfying to me. Nursing is a great career with many opportunities, but it was not my perfect fit. In the nursing jobs I have had, I could always find something I enjoyed, but I never felt fulfilled or satisfied. I always had this longing for so much more but passed it off as a personality flaw or as emotional instability due to stress or some other excuse. You get the idea.

Coming to this point has been very humbling and anything but easy. I am a nurse now and am thankful for having a respectable degree from a university. I also want to pursue what makes me alive- not what inwardly wastes my spirit day by day. I know only in God's will can I find true peace and grace.

As Beth Moore likes to say, "My calling is to follow God." Yes, that's true. It is. It is also so much more. It's taking what is unique about me, the way our Creator designed and fashioned me, and using it to impact the world for Jesus. Understanding and following my calling is celebrating God's genius in His design and workmanship of me. As Pastor John Piper famously states, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

Thus, Peripety Designs has been birthed. Please pray for me as I endeavor to pursue God and walk in faith into this new area of my journey.

http://www.peripetydesigns.com