Thursday, March 3, 2011

Welcome to My Shoes

This Sunday is Bryan's last Sunday at Cambridge.  It's been tough waiting out the two weeks from his resignation.  I have a lot I want to say as we go through this, and a lot I shouldn't say.  This journey has been painful and difficult.  One of the things that has surprised me the most has been the general apathy from some people.  What has happened to all of us that we have forgotten what it is like to still "feel" and use our hearts?  

I know some of you are wondering what it feels like to be a pastor's wife going through a situation like this.  Honestly, it's like a nightmare.  You love and give your life away to people for three years, and in the end, you find out it impacted few.  It makes me appreciate what Jesus did for us more.  He had the same response, and He was perfect and loving in every way.

As we break away from a community that we poured ourselves into, grief has inevitably become part of our journey.  Some moments I am sad, others I am angry, others I am broken, and others I am numb.  My greatest fear right now is to become bitter or hardened, because I have seen so many pastor's wives close off their hearts forever because it simply hurts too much.  

One of the greatest lessons we have learned from this is how important it is to protect and nurture your marriage and family in ministry.  God called me away from certain "good" ministries over the course of last year, and now I know why.  If I hadn't refocused and become more invested at home, we wouldn't have made it through this trial well... or maybe at all.  Because God has been doing an incredible work in our marriage, we have been able to walk through this storm facing the worst together as as husband and wife... as one.

I find great comfort knowing that God has prepared us so we could walk through the fire and not be destroyed... only purified.  It hurts... a lot.  I have seen spiritual warfare on a level that is surreal in the last month, but our God fights for us.  We are His children.  God is meeting our needs.  One day, when I look back on this valley from the mountaintop, I will be able to see even more clearly how tenderly God has carried us.  Thanks for being our prayer warriors and for caring about what is going on in our lives.  We love you.  Watch and see- our God is in control.  We will see good from all this bad.  He does not waste our pain.

"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me." Micah 7:8

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