Grief this time has been different for me. Last time, I worked through a lot of anger towards God when we miscarried. It seemed unfair to lose our child while I worked daily with so many children that were abused and unwanted. It was a bitter and raw time for me, but God is so faithful to work with His children when we are hurt and confused. Slowly, He pulled me from anger to peace.
This time, I am sad. Deeply sad. I have cried over the child I wanted so desperately to meet. I have cried over the boy I know Bryan so desperately hoped he would be. I have cried over all of the joys with this child I will never know on this side of eternity. I am not angry... at least not at this point. Grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It comes and goes unexpectedly and without real warning. I know it has different stages, and you may or may not go through them all.
Right now, I am at peace. I am experiencing the peace Jesus promised- the peace that passes all understanding. I hate what has happened. It is horrible. It is tragic. It hurts. A lot.
I know Father God has a plan in all of this, and in that, I find great comfort.