Devacurl

So, this isn't a super spiritual blog moment, but you could show me some love!

I'm in a competition on facebook's Devacurl page showcasing a horrible hair photo and a recent hair photo. I need as many friends as possible to "Like" the photo below. (A few of you helped out earlier today, and I need you to do it again- the results weren't registered.)

The voting ends soon, and I need at least 30 friends to "Like" my photo to stand a chance.

If I win, I get free hair products. Check out the link below.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=544853362948&set=o.84598267050

"Like" my photo and laugh with me at the BAD one.

Thanks!

Journeying

The last few weeks have really been quite the journey for me. I've walked through the joys of being pregnant to the sorrows of losing that little life. It's been a slow, sometimes difficult journey this last week. Unlike last time I miscarried, I am constantly reminded that I am not pregnant anymore but was. From the tiny bit of baby weight that I am trying to lose to the whole process of actually miscarrying naturally, it has been a painful, sad, bitter thing. Jesus has been so faithful this whole time too. While I am grieving, His Presence is so close. I'm finding that I am so much more aware of other things right now too. Sin breaks my heart more. I hurt more for people that are hurting. I think I smile more for those who are rejoicing during this season too. I feel like I am really beginning to learn how to "practice the presence of God" in the mundane moments of life. I love Jesus more now than I did a few weeks ago. I've been struggling the last few days with a question that God asked me during my quiet time the day after I miscarried. He asked me, "Will you still love me if things don't get better?" You see, this whole time I have been comforting myself thinking, "Surely. Things will get better." But, what if they don't? What if God doesn't give us any more children? What if we miscarry again and again? What if I lose even more than I have already lost? Will I still love Him if things just get worse and worse here on earth?

I'm convinced that when things go wrong that God doesn't want us to comfort ourselves with the idea that things will get better. They may not. In this world, Jesus promised us we would have trouble... tribulation. So, where do we turn to when things just keep getting worse... when we feel like our hearts will break if we hear any more bad news or hear one more harsh word said by those around us?

Jesus. He told His disciples, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Jesus knew what was coming. His disciples would be cast out from their families, imprisoned for His name, and rejected by the world. For us too, Jesus has to be enough. He has to be what satisfies. In the end, He is all we really have here on earth. Nothing else will make me o.k. or make me happy. Jesus has to be everything. He is.

Grief

Grief this time has been different for me. Last time, I worked through a lot of anger towards God when we miscarried. It seemed unfair to lose our child while I worked daily with so many children that were abused and unwanted. It was a bitter and raw time for me, but God is so faithful to work with His children when we are hurt and confused. Slowly, He pulled me from anger to peace.

This time, I am sad. Deeply sad. I have cried over the child I wanted so desperately to meet. I have cried over the boy I know Bryan so desperately hoped he would be. I have cried over all of the joys with this child I will never know on this side of eternity. I am not angry... at least not at this point. Grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It comes and goes unexpectedly and without real warning. I know it has different stages, and you may or may not go through them all.

Right now, I am at peace. I am experiencing the peace Jesus promised- the peace that passes all understanding. I hate what has happened. It is horrible. It is tragic. It hurts. A lot.

I know Father God has a plan in all of this, and in that, I find great comfort.

End of Limbo

I just got off the phone with Dr. Sams, and the news wasn't what we wanted to hear. We now have one child here with us and two in heaven. We are grieving and comforted that one day we will get to meet this child along with the other one we never met. For those of you who have waited and prayed with us, thank you so much for your encouragement and support. God is good... all of the time. He has been our rest to this point in the journey and will continue to prove faithful to us.

I read a quote last night in a book that I thought was timely. It said, "Boiling water makes carrots soft, eggs hard, and coffee beans useful. Which are you?" Suffering comes for us all. It is part of life in this broken world. I pray that when it comes to you that you will choose to be useful to the Master. His plan is higher than ours. Even our unanswered prayers and the things we don't understand or even hate that happen to us somehow work toward "good" in the end (Romans 8:28) when we love the LORD. So for now, I will rest in Him as He heals my broken heart and gives me the strength to serve Him another day.

Psalm 73:25-28
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

Resting

Yesterday when I blogged, I didn't expect to have so many people care and to have so many people agree to join us in prayer. While I am usually on the serving end in the body of Christ, it is a humbling thing to be part of the receiving end this time. We appreciate all of the prayers so much and really feel them. Last time I miscarried, I remember praying frantically and being distraught. This time, I am obviously upset but I am at peace while we wait. I am still bleeding today but it has slowed down quite a bit. I am confident that God hears our prayers and will answer them according to His perfect plan.

Right now, with having so many people join us in prayer, I do want to be clear as we pray. If we miscarry, it does not invalidate God's ability to answer prayer. God is able to protect our child and keep him healthy if that is His will. Bryan and I also know that our will isn't always best. It may be God's perfect plan that this child join his brother/sister in heaven that we lost three years ago. Either way, we trust God to know what is best for us and for this child. Whether we birth a child on earth next June or birth one in heaven this week, God is still very good and very loving, and He cares about us more than we can know.

In the end, our hope and joy has to be in Christ. Nothing else can satisfy.

Revelation 21:1-7 "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” 5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be His God and He will be my son. (emphasis mine)"

Here We Are Again

Yesterday was one of those days. It started out with church and a sweet birthday dinner at one of our church member's homes. What should have been a happy time turned out to be quite stressful. I woke up that morning and was already spotting. For any pregnant woman who has ever spotted, you really wonder why they chose such a deceiving word for what the experience is actually like. As the day matured, the bleeding began to get heavier until I became weak and dizzy. Sadly, we had to excuse ourselves from my birthday meal early in order to go to the ER via doctor's orders.

Bryan's mom came and picked up Abby while I was tested in every way possible to try to determine if we were miscarrying or not. The end test results were inconclusive, so I was sent home and told to rest. According to the ER doctor, the bleeding seems to indicate a likely miscarriage but the acceptable HCG level did not confirm it. I am at home waiting now to hear what my obgyn wants to do.

I am at a place of waiting that I prayed I would never be at again. No one welcomes suffering, but I am reminded here again how sweet the presence of Jesus really is when His children hurt. We are experiencing a peace that passes all understanding as we wait on the LORD to accomplish His will in our lives and in the life of this child. I trust Him. This time, I know confidently that He can heal me and save our child from a miscarriage. This time, I also know that if we do miscarry, He will carry me through the grief and use this pain for His glory. Either way, in life or death, God is good. We will rest in Jesus.

Please join us in prayer that God will use this child as an example of His miraculous power to do the impossible that even modern medicine cannot do. We are praying for a healthy baby and for the bleeding to stop. If touching Jesus' robe caused a woman's blood flow to stop in the Gospels, we know that God is able to do the same so that we do not miscarry. Thank you for praying with us and for waiting with us to see God work.

October Joy

Job 1:21 "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Three years ago, Bryan and I found out unexpectedly that we were pregnant and were surprised but excited. Shortly after we shared our good news, we miscarried and were devastated. Less than six months later, God gave us Abby to our great joy. Parenting has taught us so much about God's intense love for us and how carefully He disciplines and nurtures us. Through the furious pain of miscarrying, I felt Jesus carry me through my heartache and through the beautiful excitement of delivering a healthy child, I felt Jesus rejoice with me, His child.

Every October now, we celebrate what God has given and what He has taken away. Through both children, we have seen the beauty of the LORD and for that we are thankful and forever grateful for both lives that have permanently touched ours.

Today, we are excited to share that God has given us another child that we expectedly wait to meet next June. We praise God that He has given us another child to love. Bryan is praying it is a boy!

Here's a snapshot of Abby in her "Big Sister" shirt I made for her to wear as we shared with the grandparents a few weeks ago. She's still trying to figure out what "Big Sister" means.