Sunday, May 8, 2011

My Heart Tonight

Today, I celebrated my 3rd Mother's Day with Abby in my arms.  The joy she has brought into our lives has been immeasurable.  I watched some videos of her as a fat, chubby baby this morning, and I couldn't help but get teary eyed realizing how quickly she is growing up.  I am so blessed to be Abby's mommy.  I didn't know it was possible to love or fear for someone this much.  Thanks to her sassy little self, I have already started "highlighting" my grays away in my twenties, but she is worth every single silver strand.

However, Mother's Day doesn't just remind me of the kid we have.  I think about the two we have lost.  I wonder what it would be like to see their smiling faces or to learn what their favorite foods would be.  This Mother's Day has been especially good in some ways while especially tough in others.

You see, in 5 weeks, I would be delivering if we hadn't miscarried back in October.  Instead of being in the hospital that week, I will be teaching VBS.  It's not what I would have planned, but I believe what Scripture teaches is true.  God is good.  God is sovereign.  God's plans are for my ultimate good (Rom. 8:28-30).  I just don't get life sometimes, and I don't have to.  I can rest in what I do know.  That is enough for now.  It has to be.

In passing conversation today, several people asked if we were going to have more children.  I'll be 28 this October, so logically, it's time to have #2.  How do I answer something like that without making it awkward for both of us?  Can I just say, "I hope so?"

For all of you who have miscarried or lost children out there tonight, my heart goes out to you.  May you find comfort and joy in Jesus tonight.  Rest in His sovereignty.  Our Father is good, and He does not waste our pain.  When our hearts ache, let's just remember.  This world is not our home.  For those of us who know and love Jesus, we do have one to look forward to where death and grief will be no more.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:3-4

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