Once again, I've dropped off the blog radar for a period of time, because life has been unpredictable here. I've been struggling with a host of GI issues since I became pregnant with Pax, but switching to a strict gluten free diet has pretty much eliminated all of those symptoms. Praise God! That is a huge step forward for my health.
However, though I have not talked about it as much, I am still battling a chronic fatigue that comes and goes like a beast.
When I say it's fatigue, I don't mean a tiredness that is normal from being a mom of two little ones. It's a weariness that knocks me on my back and makes me too exhausted to be able to sit up in a chair for long periods of time. It's frustrating. It's discouraging. It's humbling.
I haven't talked about it much except with close friends and family, because I did not want to deal with other peoples' opinions and their labels on top of this illness.
It's not depression, though I wish it could be fixed with a pill. It's not laziness, because I am too type A to be lazy for longer than an hour. (Anyone who knows me just smirked at that comment.) It's not predictable. I went for a few weeks without a single episode and thought it was gone, but then it returned this week and had me down for two days. I hate it.
This past week I started seeing a new doctor that specializes in integrative medicine. I'm really hopeful that she will be able to give us direction in how to help me heal or at least deal with this better. I'm starting a Paleo diet this month per her recommendation. My doctor is ordering more tests to try to help us figure out exactly what this fatigue is and why I keep miscarrying. Chances are they are connected.
Why blog about all of this now after I have kept it mostly private for two years?
Well, I realized something this morning. I love to blog. It's my way of sharing what God is doing through my life. However, I've really felt like I did not fit the correct "blogger format" for a while. You see, most blogs go something like this. A blogger shares their story about how something isn't going well... They may be in debt or are overweight or are sick. Then, the blog turns around as they share how they worked themselves out of debt, learned how to become fit, or figured out the secret of how they could become well. You get the picture.
My blog obviously doesn't fit into any of those categories. I don't have life figured out. I'm not debt free anymore. I'm not perfectly fit. I am certainly not a postcard picture of health. In my head, I subconsciously felt like I did not have the right to blog while I have so many unanswered questions... while I am vulnerable to criticism or opinions.
I'm bucking the system. I am going to keep writing my story.
I am going to pick up blogging again not for you but for me. Testifying about God's presence and faithfulness in this chaotic mess is my worship to God. I don't have all of the answers, and I probably never will.
In the end, maybe what all of us need is not another blog sharing about how they have it altogether but about a God who came down into this world and turned it upside down with His Son Jesus.
Life isn't neat. It can't be filed away in color coded categories. Sometimes, the good and the bad are just a blended up crazy mess that simply point to our need for a Savior and that help us long for a perfect place to go to one day.
Welcome to my blog. The good, the bad, the ugly. May we be transparent enough in our journeys to show people that Jesus is the One who holds us together and that we are a living testimony of His grace. In the end, Jesus is the One who satisfies... not a perfect bank account, not a rocking hard body, or an A plus on our medical report. May we strive together to show people Jesus is enough.
Jesus is enough for me.
Thanks for coming along this journey with me.
Ephesians 2:19-22 The Message
That’s plain enough, isn’t it? You’re no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You’re no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He’s using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what he is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now he’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.