The Grace Kissed Life

Good things are coming!  When I started this blog, my intentions were to write to keep all of our friends and family who aren't near up to date on what was happening in our lives as Bryan became the pastor of a small church here on the Coast.  I linked a handful of emails to my blog then posted on facebook to let people know when I had written something.  I really didn't think many people were reading what I wrote.  I mainly just wrote for myself and God.  I call writing my "free therapy."  Writing out my journey helps me process what is happening, and it brings me closer to God.  It helps me appreciate what He is doing in the good and the bad.

Well, imagine my surprise when years later, I begin tinkering with my blog's layout and click the stats button.  I about fell out of my chair when I realized how many people from all over the world were reading my blog.  I internally freaked, panicked, then stared at the screen in awe.  It completely blew me away that my daily struggles and wins would attract that kind of attention.  It's a God thing.

Why He's given me this voice on the internet?  I have no clue, but I do know this.  I love to write.  I love to be creative.  I love to be artsy.  I love to share about Jesus and how my story is playing out His.

Happy at the sandbar with Boo and Bean... my favorite place in the world!

For those of you who have been following for a while, you'll notice I have been updating the blog's look and have renamed it to "The Grace Kissed Life."  Why rename it?  Mainly, I wanted to protect my family's privacy a little more with the wide spread of readers that I have inherited.  Also, making it more professional allows me to have more opportunities to share my posts and become funded by companies that want to take advantage of the number of readers that follow me.

Why the name?  Why "The Grace Kissed Life"?  Well, my first name is Anna, and in Hebrew, that means "graceful."  If I can say anything of my life, it has obviously been touched by God's unmerited favor (a.k.a. grace).  I think as you read along, you'll see that trend too.  God's grace covers me.

As for this blog, my hope is to share snippets of my life's journey with you so that you see how beautiful Jesus is and how well He takes care of His own.  

I'll be sharing tips and ideas of how we are able to live well on a small ministry salary.  I'll share my struggles as I figure out how to be a Godly wife and mom.  I'll review products and resources as opportunities present themselves.

Thank you for being a cheerleader.  Thank you for often praying for us, crying with us, and having a good laugh with us.  You're not a creeper (I think).  We want you to celebrate life with us.  Welcome to the Grace Kissed Life.

Learning to Walk Again

This weekend signified a huge shift in our household.  Pax has begun the journey of becoming a walker.  Therefore, nothing... I mean nothing is safe anymore.  Our house has become one huge obstacle course, and our little guy has danced, side stepped, and stood to his heart's content.  We have heard thud after thud after thud as our Boo has practiced standing and stepping alongside anything that could hold up his weight (or not).  We have all cooed and smiled and urged our brave man along.  Not once have we scolded him for not doing a better job.  We've applauded and cheered as if he was breaking world records in babyhood.  His struggles and efforts are our joys as he conquers one developmental milestone at a time.  Watching Paxman grow is a joy.

Showing off his skills at church Sunday.

This past month I have been making traction in studying Biblical womanhood and applying those truths to my life.  It's been a hugely difficult transition from being a business oriented mom to a family oriented mom.  I have stumbled and fell more than once, and I have struggled with discouragement off and on because this shift has not been natural.  I LOVE my family, but it is so much easier to love ME.

I am convinced living life Biblically is impossible to do without the Spirit's help.  Jesus told us His path was straight and narrow and that few find it, but in our pseudo-Christian culture, it's easy to believe that Christianity is the norm.  It's not.  Being a Christ follower isn't a checklist of going to church, following a few moral guidelines, and giving a tithe.  It's hard.  It's messy.  It means losing everything for the sake of the Gospel, so that we can find Jesus is everything we really need.  Living Biblically will cost you.  That's why so many people listened to Jesus' teachings then walked away.  Remember the rich young ruler?

Since my last blog post, I've been challenged over and over again through unreal spiritual warfare about the decision I have made to live out the Gospel through loving my husband and children well.  And no, I don't throw around that term "spiritual warfare" loosely.  However, when we follow Jesus head on and leave this world behind, we are dangerous.  We are a threat to Satan's kingdom.  There is no one closer to rocking this world for the glory of Christ than the person who chooses to follow Jesus and abandon everything they used to worship instead.

The struggles are real.  Putting flesh on this decision has been uncomfortable, self-denying, and honestly at times quite terrifying.  I'm not in control anymore.  I like control.  I will say that God's grace has proven more faithful than I have ever known.  His Presence has been evident more powerfully than I have ever known.  His mission has burned in my heart more brightly and clearly than it has in years.  I am feeling in sync with His Spirit.  I have peace.  That is priceless.

What is this looking like in our daily life?  Our home life is shifting from a place of chaos and disorder into a place of peace and joy. I've been decluttering and simplifying our home and our routines.  I've discovered that excess takes up energy we don't have, and we want our lives to be about the Gospel- not stuff.   My relationship with Bryan is better than it has been in a long time.  We are actually spending quality time together when we put the kids to bed.  We've limited our tv time to one show a week, and we spend our evenings together actually connecting instead of just vegging out.  The changes with the kids have been remarkable.  I mean they are 3 years and 7 months.  I didn't expect one month to affect them much, but it has.  They are happier and more at peace together.  Because I am not investing my best energies into websites and graphic design, they are getting the attention they need to thrive and develop well.  Abby's attitude has improved hugely, and she is learning how to love her brother well and see him as a joy instead of a burden.  Maybe she's learning from my example?  Ouch.

We haven't arrived at perfection.  We won't.  It's about the journey.  It's about the effort of learning to walk as Jesus would have us walk.  It's about learning to carry our cross, so that others would see how great He is... not how amazing we are.  The cost of becoming a Biblical woman in an ungodly culture is high sweet sisters in Christ, but the cost of missing this is even higher.  Just like we applaud Pax right now for learning to take his first steps, I know God applauds us and cheers us on.  He isn't expecting perfection, but God does demand obedience.  I pray that this blog will encourage many of you to begin your journey in following Christ no matter the cost, even if Dave Ramsey wouldn't approve. :)

Here's a link to the study I just completed on Biblical Womanhood if you're curious and want more info.

http://www.truewoman101.com

Coming Home Again

I've taken a mini hiatus lately from blogging because I have been really working on reorganizing my life.  Long before Pax was born, our family fell into what I like to call "survival mode."  It was a season of not really thriving but just making the best of some back to back rocky seasons.  Praise God, a month ago, Little Boo was diagnosed with lactose intolerance, and a simple switch to soy formula has given us a new baby.  My sweet guy now sleeps, eats, and plays happily.  I feel like I am coming out of a fog.

Six months into being a family of four, I have become very aware that there are quite a few things out of order in our lives.  Our home has become quite chaotic as schedules aren't meshing, important things are being forgotten, and Bryan and I have only been together to discuss kids, church affairs, and website business.  Not ideal.

As I've been praying and working through a study on Biblical womanhood, I've been convicted that part of the reason for all of the disorder is me.  Ouch.  In many ways, I've forgotten my most important assignments... being a Godly wife and mom.  As a Biblical woman, being a Godly wife and mom are non-negotiable.  These are bed rock priorities.  Neglecting my role isn't just a bad idea, its fruit can make people think the Gospel is a joke.  That's serious stuff.

Sure, you say, coming to my defense.  You're a great wife.  You're a great mom.  You stay home with your kids but run a web design business from your home office.

Yeah, I do, but at a great cost.  My heart has begun to wander from home.

I've found myself more and more lately realizing that there aren't enough hours in the day to design logos, build websites, manage projects, cook supper, clean dishes, wash clothes, feed the kids, diaper Boo, and eliminate dust mites.  That's not even touching the additional responsibilities and challenges that come from being married to a church planter with an ever shifting schedule.  It just isn't possible. In the busyness of life's routine, I haven't been thriving.  I have been surviving.  I haven't been a great manager of our home.  I have taken on more than what I can handle.

In light of studying God's Word, I've realized that I have had role confusion.  Instead of thriving in my role as a nurturer and wife, I've been trying to shoulder Bryan's responsibility as being the provider of our family too.  I've neglected my role to the harm of everyone around me, because I underestimated its importance.  Am I saying that a woman can't work outside the home?  Absolutely not.  I just believe that Scripture teaches that in an ideal situation you shouldn't work outside the home if you aren't already managing your other responsibilities well.  I'm not.

On a side note, if you are capable of running your home well, loving your husband well, managing your kids well, and working out of the home well, you are awesome.  You are the Proverbs 31 woman.  I hope I can be you one day.  I'm just saying I'm not there yet.

Here's where I am.

I'm coming home.  I am backing down drastically on how many website projects I take on every month, because I want to invest in my family more.  I want to love my husband so well that I make him the greatest pastor he can be.  I want to be a worthy helpmate.  After all, that's why Eve was created (Sorry feminists... it's true).  I don't want to be so busy working on my career goals and finding self-fulfillment in doing something I love that I forget to help my husband accomplish God's calling in his life.  I think we can do more good for the Kingdom of God together than apart.  Hence, marriage.

With the kids, I want to be a Godly mother who isn't stressed out because they are wrecking my business task list.  I want to invest in these young years by loving my children and training them well, because this is the only time in their lives when I will be given the gift of being their primary influencer.  I want them to be primed to love Jesus and to make Biblical decisions.  I want to know their hearts, know their struggles, and be everything to them that God has called me to be.

In our home, I want it to be a place of order and rest.  I don't mean a sterile place where everything is perfect and nothing can be touched.  I want it to be a place that is organized and open to others.  I want it be managed so well that I don't stroke out when someone drops by unexpectedly.  I want our meals to be healthier than last minute fast food runs because "Mom worked too late again."  I want our home to give my family a glimpse of heaven so that they hunger for it even more.  You get the picture.

It's a tall order I know.  It's going to mean sacrifice to make it happen.  It means we'll be living on less again.  It means most people will think we are weird... I'm weird.  But, that's ok.  It's not about me.  It's about Jesus.  It's about trusting God and His idea of Biblical roles and learning to love my family and my home well.

Titus 2 

1 But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. 2 Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled,sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. 3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.  

If you're curious about learning more about Biblical womanhood, check out this link here:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/resource-library/30-day-challenges/

I've been participating in the 30 Day True Woman Makeover and have found it encouraging, convicting, and helpful. If you're a woman, may God give you grace to be a Biblical woman who loves Him and others well!

Taking the Plunge

Coloring my hair has always made me nervous... like sweaty palms, first date kind of nervous.  It's so permanent or at least I thought so until now.  But, that's what this whole blog is about.

I was contacted by Vocalpoint, a community I belong to, where I get to test out products and give feedback in exchange for perks, to see if I would be interested in blogging about a hair color product.  I emailed them back and let them know that I would consider it but that I was very picky about my hair.  I'm a die hard curly girl, and I don't just put anything in my hair.  Thinking I had nixed my chances of a callback, I was surprised when I was chosen to be a blogger for Clairol's Nice N Easy nonpermanent hair color product.

Seriously?  Don't they know I will absolutely slaughter them with my review if it fries my curls?  

Are you really sure you want me to review your product when I have already confessed to being a hair color Nazi?  I was shocked.  I was scared.  I kicked myself mentally for checking "Maybe" on the box that asked whether or not I would change my hair color.

When my voucher came in the mail to go get my free box of hair color, I waited a week to get it.  In fact, I went to the store to get it twice and walked out with something else.  I really was not too excited about coloring my hair.  So, I tried to find a good reason to skip this product trial.  I posted about it on facebook, asked questions to anyone I thought might have colored their hair, and I spent hours scouring the internet for information when I should have been sleeping (Sad but true).  I used Clairol's iphone app to test out different shades on a photo I had taken, and I just couldn't make a decision.  It was easy to use, but I was just so unsure of the whole thing.

Finally, my husband looked me and said, "Anna, you just need to do this."  Short for, "Anna, you're a chicken.  You're already in this.  Just do it."

So, like a lemming I jumped tiger I pounced for this opportunity, and I chose a color that was similar to my roots but different enough to be noticeable.  I decided that if I was going to color my hair that I was going to actually try to get out of my comfort zone and conquer my coloring fears.

Even though my hair looks dyed, it's just lightened from the sun.

Thanks to my hubby extraordinaire, we documented the whole process for you.  Laugh.  Go ahead.  My hair coloring anxiety is more than evident and captured just for your enjoyment.

The process was pretty easy, and the instructions couldn't have been clearer.  

I was seriously considering chickening out as I was shaking the chemicals up.  I did do a skin test and a strand test previously to make sure everything would be a "go."  I smeared vaseline along my hair line and on my ears to make sure I didn't stain my skin as a coloring newbie.

Here we go.

You can see the skin test on my elbow.  Lol!

My hair is really thick and long, so it took a while to work it all in.  Thankfully, I had two boxes on hand, because it took both to get my hair covered.

Done.  Now to wait 15 minutes.

Rinsing it out until the water runs clear.  I don't recommend doing it this way in a shower.  Either get in the shower completely or do this over your kitchen sink.  The color splattered everywhere and made a mess.  But hey, you knew that, right?

After everything was rinsed out, I added the last step- their awesome conditioner.  I usually avoid silicones like the plague, but for an adequate review, I went the whole way.  I was surprised by how hydrating this conditioner felt.  I really liked it!

2 minutes later I rinsed the conditioner out.  My curls felt good, but I was still nervous.  Every time I have colored my hair, my curls have wilted or frizzed.  I was still skeptical.

After drying, this is the end result.  The color was darker than I anticipated, but I loved the gloss and shine.  It was the shiniest my hair has EVER been, and my curls looked and felt great.  I was super impressed.

Before

Before

             

After

After

A couple of days later, it's lightened some, and my hair still looks great.  I haven't styled my hair since yesterday, and I am still happy with my curls.  In fact, my hair really does feel better now than it did before I took the color plunge.

In conclusion, I'm glad I tried this product.  Clairol Nice N' Easy nonpermanent hair color has good coverage and was easy to use.  The smell wasn't offensive, and I loved the included conditioner.  I like that the color is temporary, so my commitment level is low.  28 washes, and my lighter locks will be back.  I'm already thinking about what color I want to try next.  Change is fun.

My toddler princess thinks my hair rocks.  

She says I have "Snow White" hair now.

I think I look like "Wonder Woman" or "Xena."  But... maybe that's just me. ;)

What color would you try?

Update!  Please read my followup review here: 

http://thecirlotfamily.blogspot.com/2013/03/later-review-on-clairol-nice-and-easy.html

I'm no longer a fan of this product.  Please read my newest blog before using to learn from my mistakes!

The Beauty of Discovering I Am Not God

This past year has pushed me to realize something very important that I should have figured out by now...

I'm not God.

Laugh.  Go ahead.  You think I'm kidding.  I'm not.

I'm completely serious.

In July of 2011, after months of trying, God allowed us to conceive Pax, and by August, I began to really struggle in the pregnancy.  The vomiting started.  I experienced a migraine that resembled a stroke that landed me in the ER and multiple doctor's offices.  Life went out of control very quickly, and since then, nothing has been the same.

Waiting at the pediatrician's office again this week. Both of the kids have become waiting pros.

Between Pax and me, I have spent countless hours in doctor's offices and in the hospital.  My body still isn't the same,  but after my cholecystectomy six weeks ago,  I am just now getting to a place where I think I will have a "new normal" again.  Five months old today, our little guy has had his share of misery with terrible reflux, and the medications he has been on to control it have only helped minimally.

Finally, It looks like we are having a breakthrough with his treatment in the past day.  I am ecstatic, relieved, hopeful... It couldn't have come at a better time.

This past week I hit a wall.  Burnout.  Ugh.

I had tried to pace myself carefully, but my best efforts weren't enough.  Being a caregiver to a baby who is often irritable and crying has drained me, and for the past week, depression has been visiting and threatening to stay.  If you've ever experienced depression before, you know the fear I feel.  I hate being down, but I think I needed this.  I needed to be slowed down, so I would listen.

Here's what I feel like God is teaching me.

You're not God.  I am.

You're not in control.  I am.

You can't do this by yourself.  You're not God.  I am.

Ouch.

You would think I would realize that by now.

Nothing about me looks strong anymore.

I am just now really beginning to get it.

I can't do life alone.  I can't shoulder the responsibility of raising my kids, being a good wife, or being a somewhat decent friend by myself.

I have to do it in the grace that God gives me, and sometimes, that's through others.

Sure, I know what it is like to have the support, love, and friendship from my family and my Christian community.  We have experienced the abundant kindness of others often, and the past few weeks, I have been intentionally rearranging my life to invite help in more often.  But, until this point, I thought that help was a luxury, and I was wrong.

Asking for help is a need for me... and them.

When I ask for help because I am struggling and life is too heavy for me to bear, I am being humble and admitting to those listening that I am not God.  I am opening myself up to the fact that I am not self sufficient and am indeed human.

Yes, I think we sometimes need to be reminded.  Isn't that what happened in the garden of Eden?  Eve listened to the Serpent (AKA. the Devil) because she wanted to be like God.  She ate the fruit, shared it with her husband, and life has went downhill since.  As humans, we've had a God complex since the beginning.

It's time to end it.

When I give others (referring to the Christian community) the opportunity to help meet my needs, they get the blessing of loving and serving me like Jesus loves and serves them.

Then, my vulnerability and neediness become a beautiful thing as the unbelieving world that is watching gets to see my suffering being eased, and the beauty of Christ is put on display as I get off my pedestal and He gets on it where He belongs. 

Trying to cheer up Little Man Sunday evening
with glider time.

At that moment, this isn't just a Christian friend helping me sweep my floors or someone bouncing a sick baby to give me a break.  This is the Christian Church functioning unselfishly in a raw and beautiful way that screams Jesus is alive.

I know what some of you are thinking.  I like being independent.  I feel safe when I am in control of what I need and how I get it.  If you look up the definition of a Type A control freak, my photo is in the margin.  I am not a good example of this yet.

Being vulnerable is awkward and risky.  

But, right now, I am realizing again (yes, I'm a slow learner) that it is not about me.  This life is about God and His glory.  If in my weakness, the world sees Christ more clearly and He becomes more desirable, it is worth it.  My life isn't about making sure everyone knows how strong or how "together" Anna Cirlot is.  It's about Him.  God's strength.  God's design.  God's sovereignty.  God's glory.

I'm not God.

He is.

This is war.  We have a real Enemy that is more than happy to take us out.  If we harden ourselves in pride, we'll either crumble under the pressure or become too puffed up from "making it" on our own to let Jesus get the spotlight He deserves.

Let's be real.  Let's be vulnerable.  Let's hold each other up.  Let's admit life is messy, and that we need each other.

Let's live in such a way dear friends that the world will know this isn't just another fairy tale.  Jesus is real.

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another.  In the same way I loved you, you love one another.  This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples, when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34-35

Learning to Dance...

What do you do when your idols are attacked?  (An idol is something we try to find our satisfaction or identity in apart from God) Do you repent and realize how much you depend on other things for happiness instead of Him?  Or, do you get angry at God for messing with "fill in the blank"?

This is a question I feel like I have been answering over and over again for the past 19 months.  That's how long my life has been hugely unsettled through many things... Bryan's job loss, our transition into church planting, a tough pregnancy, quite a few health problems amongst all of us, and recently my cholecystectomy.

This morning I woke up to find our living room floor was buckled and warped from a water leak.  We're still unsure of its source.  As Bryan scooted around on the floor with a flashlight trying to figure out what was going on, I felt the tears start to burn in my eyes and my heart sank.

You see... until this year, we had been debt free, except for our house, and we have had a reasonable emergency fund.  This past year when God asked us to plant Church@The Square, we stepped out in faith and took a huge financial risk.  God has been so good to provide in so many ways.  If you were on the outside looking in, you'd never know that we were walking a tight rope.  However, the past six months medical bills have come in faster than our incomes could provide, and it's been discouraging.

Thankfully, Bryan is now full-time with Church@The Square, and our hardest season financially is over.  It'll take a while to pay off what remains.

Here are my thoughts.

I have to make a choice right now. I can either keep praying that God will provide for our needs and work hard in a Biblical way to honor Him, or I can get angry at God for "letting" this happen.  I can either still believe that God is in control, or I can choose to believe the lie that God is indifferent and that it is up to me to fix everything.  If God has successfully provided so well to keep us debt free through many lean seasons until this point then He has a purpose in allowing us to accumulate debt in this season.

At least in part, I think He has allowed it to attack my personal idol... security.

If I have learned anything in the past year and half, I have learned that my security can only be in Christ.

When your husband suddenly finds Himself jobless, you lose part of your security.  You know you are insufficient to mend his heart wounds and to provide for your household.

When you start to plant a church, you are doing something "uncool" or "crazy."  Your security isn't in your identity as a church planter.  Most people just don't understand.

When you vomit 30 times a day and become too weak to take care of your family well because your pregnancy isn't going well, your security isn't in how good of a wife or homemaker you are.  You just feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

When your new baby is cranky and cries days on end, your security isn't in how good of a mom you are.  You feel like a failure.

When you finally are able to have the surgery you've needed for over a year, your security isn't in being independent anymore.  You need help while you are down to keep life going for everyone else in your home.

So, snap back to this morning... I'm tearing up and breathing a prayer to God for provision again.  As I sit down in my chair wondering how bad the damage is and how we are going to be able to replace the flooring and fix everything when our time is already stretched too thin, my sweet toddler princess comes up and asks me to turn on the worship music.  As I turn it on, she begins to twirl and dance in joy across our warped living room floor, and I am overwhelmed by the realization that God is inviting me to do the same.  He is inviting me to dance with Him in this glorious, messy life and just trust Him to make it all right in the end.

I don't know how my story will play out, but I am not supposed to.  God is my heavenly Father, and He loves me and will provide for our needs.  I don't need security to be happy or at peace- I just need Him.  I need to rest in Jesus and dance.

You're Gonna Think I Am Crazy But...

So, you're going to think I am crazy, but I am really not.  I'm nuts adventurous. I added these babies to my styling routine today.  Yes, I'm for real.  I live life on the edge.

My long curly hair has been driving me up the wall this week.  I know I should be patient with it.  It's probably not its fault that it's been frizzy.  I did just have a baby.  I am a week postop.  I am breastfeeding a chunky monkey.  However, I do want my shiny hair back, so I have been looking at naturallycurly.com for tips on fighting summer humidity without harsh products or silicones.

I discovered that agave nectar acts as a humectant.  It grabs onto moisture and keeps it from evaporating.  Coconut oil is an excellent deep moisturizer.  Obviously, if you overuse either, your hair will become a slimy, sticky mess, but used correctly on wavy/curly hair, I am pretty impressed with the results.

Here's how much coconut oil I used.  

I really like the brand I used. It's called Tropical Traditions.  I was sent a bottle as a blogger freebie a while back, and though I bet the company thought I would use it to cook something delicious, it's going in my mane.  A tiny bit goes a very long way.  If you overuse this, it'll be an excellent moisturizing treatment, but it will make you look like you haven't cleaned your hair in weeks.  Yuck.  You'll have to start over (or wish you had the time to...*clearing my throat* speaking from personal experience).

I spooned out a tiny bit then rubbed it into liquid in my hands before smoothing it all over my dry second day hair.  I wanted to make sure I didn't add too much, but I wanted to make sure I got a nice shine.  When I was happy with the shine, I spritzed my hair with a water bottle until it was damp.  Next, I added the agave nectar.

Here's how much agave nectar I used.

Remember, I have long, thick hair that is VERY frizz prone.  You may need much less.  After squirting a little in my palm, I watered it down and made a serum I smoothed over slightly damp second day curly hair.  In fact, I ended up doing that much twice to make sure I had coated all of my hair efficiently.  At the end, I scrunched my hair and waited for it to dry.

Here's the end result.  Excuse my smirking face.  

(Taking a photo of yourself is just plain awkward.) 

I really like how well my kitchen chemistry turned out.  Agave nectar and coconut oil are much less expensive than the high end products I need for great second day hair, and they are actually good for my curls too.  They both smell heavenly, and it has lasted all day through baby spit up and Mississippi heat. And, did I mention, my hair isn't sticky or greasy at all?  It's just lovely.  Who would've guessed?